L.I.F.E.

REPLY TO A VERY INTERESTING BLOG

2010-04-13T00:00:00.004+08:00

迷失的爱{ April 12, 2010 @ 4:57 pm } · { 星星小故事 }
{ }

看着熟睡中的他她笑了眼泪也流下了

有多少个夜晚他拥抱着她才可以入睡

甜蜜的感觉还依稀存在想到着她又笑了

但如今她望着熟悉的背影伸出的手慢慢收回

反转身她不想让他听到哭泣的声音

窗外透进微微的月光

她默默祈祷

多么希望时间可以倒流

回到那一年那一天他最爱她的那个冬天

他们曾经如此的相爱童话故事的结局不都是幸福的吗？

她相信还是有转弯得余地只要她一直笑着一直为他笑着

因为她的世界只剩下爱他

I came across the blog above, wanted to leave my comment immediately but somehow the browser did not register my comment. Tried so many times, really felt frustrated. BUT it's ok, I can just leave the comment on my long time not updated blog and I hope she really sees it and feels what I felt. Here's it:

他，看着这篇文章，深深地被感动，泪也快要掉了．如何才能让她知道，他心中只有她？永远都爱她，希望她时时刻刻都笑着，因为这样，他的世界，才是真的.

静茹&情歌别再为他流泪

2009-10-03T18:59:00.000+08:00

情歌 - 梁静茹

作词:陈没作曲:伍冠谚编曲。陈建骐

时光是琥珀泪一滴滴被反锁
情书再不朽也磨成沙漏
青春的上游白云飞走苍狗与海鸥
闪过的念头潺潺的溜走

命运好幽默让爱的人都沉默
一整个宇宙换一颗红豆
回忆如困兽寂寞太久而渐渐温柔
放开了拳头反而更自由

慢动作缱绻胶卷重播默片定格一瞬间
我们在告别的演唱会说好不再见

你写给我我的第一首歌
你和我十指紧扣默写前奏
可是那然后呢
还好我有我这一首情歌
轻轻的轻轻哼着哭着笑着
我的天长地久

命运好幽默让爱的人都沉默
一整个宇宙换一颗红豆
回忆如困兽寂寞太久而渐渐温柔
放开了拳头反而更自由

长镜头越拉越远越来越远事隔好几年
我们在怀念的演唱会礼貌的吻别

你写给我我的第一首歌
你和我十指紧扣默写前奏
可是那然后呢
还好我有我这一首情歌
轻轻的轻轻哼着哭着笑着
我的天长地久

陪我唱歌清唱你的情歌
舍不得短短副歌心还热着
也该告一段落
还好我有我下一首情歌
生命宛如静静的相拥的河
永远天长地久

In a Transition...

2009-04-07T11:44:00.020+08:00

A brand new job, brand new working environment, brand new colleagues, brand new boss... Yes, I will be quitting my job 3 weeks later, reason is that...

Hmm... Sounds familiar? But it's damn true. It will happen again... Life's like this, anything can happen, nothing unusual about this, least for myself.

It's not because of my current company is not good, but it's not that great either. But from my current employment, I learned a lot, especially about this industry, acquired/upgraded some skills, made some new friends(mostly newbies as the company is new) in a short span of 1 month.

The jobscope is ok i.e. designing, programming, and generate CNC code for machines to run and produce parts that will be asssembled into company's product. The job is not complex(if you familiarized after few training or if you know to design using CAD) and I think I will become bored after months of doing it. This is one of the reason I found that this job wouldn't suit me, although there are other reasons like salary, company's policy etc.

My manager is a nice guy and helps to teach the new guys a lot when it comes to the work matters. It was hard to tender to him regarding my resignation, he was shock and asked the reasons behind it. Then he asked if I would try it out for few months first but I couldnt do it with new job on hand. I was to give him 24 hours notice as my new boss asked me to start work as soon as possible. A guy(5 months working) just left before the day I resigned and my manager would want time to fill in the vacancy, so I have to compromise in between old and new company(it's a bit awkward) and leave at the end of the month.

My new job is actually my previous job function and my new boss was my ex- boss's ex-staff. The interview with him was fast in terms of him making decision to hire me. But the process itself looked not so simple as he went through my subjects in University (first experience although interviewer should be like this) and asked about my CGPA etc. I didnt apply for his company and I was clueless about how he got my contact. May be through my ex-colleagues or my ex-boss and another possibility is the interviewer from another company I met before being interviewed by him. I am eager to find out but may be time will tell...

The benefits offered is better than my current job but not quite comparing to my previous job. The global situation still not up to par yet and job is still hard to come by. But what's more to ask if one could find his interest in the things he does.

So I will be on my journey again. Until then, I am in a transition...

A Brand New Job

2009-03-08T21:57:00.000+08:00

A brand new job, brand new working environment, brand new colleagues, brand new boss... Yes, I quitted my job 3 weeks ago, reason was... (I don’t want to talk about it anymore) It wasn’t easy (few deep thoughts) nor hard (one resignation letter) and here I am, with a new job in my hand.

This new job, indeed a new factory itself, offers me a brand new job scopes. It involves manufacturing field, a field that I didn’t want to venture into after my graduation (not really interested in that field) but how ironic life can be. This new job though, has a hidden agenda (a 28% dip in salary). This economic slowdown, jobs are hard to come by, who would resist?

When I first broke out the news of my resignation, most people would say: “Har, during this kind of economy situation?”, “Why don’t you find a new job before quitting?” etc. I told my family, but they didn’t really against it, they accepted my decision (which I am thankful). But the person who knew I would be quitting was my very supportive girlfriend (thanks for listening to my complaints, supportive of me and giving me advices that I think would hard to come by if I had not meet you). Thanks for everything (I love you).

This new job position of mine, Mechanical Design Engineer, which I guess will have me to sit in front of computer and design. I don’t know whether I will like it (familiar with designing building services but designing a component?).

I have to wait and see...

I Will Be...

2009-02-26T18:35:00.003+08:00

There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me

All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go

I know I let you down
But it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly

You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me

And if I let you down
I'll turn it all around
Cause I would never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

Cause without you I cant sleep
I'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave
You're all I've got, you're all I want

Yeah

And without you I don't know what I'd do
I can never, ever live a day without you
Here with me, do you see,
You're all I need

And I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life (my life), I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I will be (I'll be), all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

And all my life, you know I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

:-) :-)

Happy New Year 2009 !

2009-01-02T00:00:00.000+08:00

My 2009 New Year resolutions:

1. To be a better person (To be good to my family, to see them happy and healthy is the most important. To my darling, I am really glad that you are here with me, I am very happy every time I be with you, you were the most wonderful person I met in the year of 2008 and one of the most important person in my life ;-p. I love you, so much so much...)

2. Exercise more to stay healthy (Hmm... Didn’t used to exercise regularly like I was in secondary school. Reasons: University life didn’t permit me to do that (I also didn’t know the exact reason). Now into the working life and hopefully I will continue to stay healthy and happy. Jogging, badminton, weight lifting and etc. Any activity categorized as exercise will do ;-) May be I will get at least a tight abs, if not a six pack, hehe...)

3. Advance my career (This... what to say? At least I am more experienced than I was eight months ago)

4. To have a calm and sharp mind (I have been through sleepless night over the past years over some matters that I eventually overcame. Calm mind sooths our soul.)

5. Say thanks to God everyday (Yeah, I did it over the past year whenever I could and will continue to say my prayer everyday)

Bye Bye 2008
Hello 2009

NO FATE BUT WHAT WE MAKE!

All Well End Well?

2008-12-23T22:30:00.002+08:00

It’s the end of the year, again... I have been quite busy with this job earlier but it’s coming to a slowdown. May be it’s because of the global economy meltdown (later may be vaporized). Nothing much to do in the office nowadays i.e. attending meetings, modifying drawing, replying/ report to boss, processing contractors’ claims, searching for some information, calling him or her, etc. I assumed this field supposed to be kind of technical but it’s not even close to it, may be it’s because of the company size or the boss is such of a technical wizard that seems to be generally perceived that he needs not to be so technical. So? What to do, just follow orders...

I was thinking of upgrading current knowledge in this field when there are some spaces between works. Sometimes, I don’t even have an idea of where to start i.e. to study a sub- field (Fire Fighting) that has a limitation (at least the field is not so wide) on the job scope or another one (Air Conditioning) that currently I have only touched the tip of an iceberg. Both also under my job scope, which makes me have headache. Current strategy of mine is to focus on the most used sub- field (i.e. just absorb WHATEVER). Few days back, boss threw a set of drawing and I was told to have a look in Air Conditioning Electricity Consumption. He told me when the times are bad next year; he will need me to train more on this (Boss really want to train me? I also not that sure... Why he would and why he wouldn’t?) Talking about training, I really don’t know the last card in the hand of my boss (I say this because he only threw drawing to me, that’s called training? I wondered, still wondering...)

Next year (I think) the office will not be so busy, because large projects have been subjected to temporary stagnation, all have been tagged KIV. Lately also been thinking of my monthly income, hope the boss will spare us from the cruel reality of recession and salary reduction, may be a VSS? If the working days are to be reduced to 4 days/week, I think it would be ok as long as the salary cut is acceptable. Just 8 months into working, already need a break to refresh myself, rearrange, put all things in order, and come out a better more readied person.

This, that, this, that... Until when? Anyway, who cares? No use of even to care, life goes on everyday, anyway have to...

Change Your World To Change The World

2008-11-25T20:41:00.001+08:00

Congratulation to Barack Obama; America’s first non- white President. He will become the 44th President of the USA on January 20th 2009 and he has vowed to change the world. Will he capable of changing the world? He probably can, as the world most powerful figure. From the way he speaks, he’s full of confident, least to say. Another way to put it, he definitely has the leadership quality, already proved by leading his party and his supporters to victory in the election.

So he will change the world, at least in some way. But HOW EXACTLY will he change the world? Today, he named his economic team, which comprises of... (I don’t know who). Anyway, his priorities (known to me) to change the world are by pulling back the falling economy back on track, creating 5 million jobs by 2010 and withdrawing troops out of Iraq and Afghan in order to restore peace to the two countries.

Global effects, felt so strong anytime there’s something happened in the world. Barack Obama’s election came in time (may be some parties didn’t get the chance to see it through), to stop a deepening wound, if not to heal it completely. I am eager to see, with his characteristic and methods, to help the world to become a better place.

Back on our soil, 9 months have passed, promises have been made: To have at least 85% WIMAX coverage over Penang, to boost economic of Penang by attracting big foreign companies (they are creating jobs, but Penang really need them at this time?), to make Penang a World Heritage Site so that tourism will bloom like flower under the sun (?) and etc. Seems like will be busy, at least for another 3 years.

With many things occupying, who cares about the Sungai Nyior Toll Collection?

Light Headedness...

2008-11-25T20:05:00.000+08:00

Woke up this morning, feeling not quite good, may be because of last night’s incident which I didn’t mean to cause. Sometimes this happens in a relationship, whether is with family, spouses or friends. Love gives us happiness but nothing’s free in this world or put it in other way, “give and take”. So, love will bring some unwanted feelings too, besides giving us happiness. Anyway, I still... love you.

Arriving at office today, using a different job designation, today as a draughtsman. I hate doing jobs draughtsman does, sitting in front of the computer and repeating copy and paste commands based on commented drawing. Lucky enough, I am not a draughtsman, so I saw something on the design that should be highlighted to my superior. Well, still I am not lucky enough... What I got was that I should just follow the drawing and submit for another comment. I know my superior’s style, just follow and if people questioned, just say: “I followed your instruction what”. (Urm...) Anyone smells something wrong here? But he’s my superior, has experience of 16 times the experience of mine. What to do? I have to follow and complete my job (jobs at my hand that are waiting to be settled will look pity on me). Later turned around I have to modify it again, need to have a f*** off at being so pissed.

Done the job, but not completed (not like doing it though), light headedness struck without a warning. Felt not really well, thought of getting half day to take a nap at home. But times seem to be pushing me, after lunch, thought of just wait for 4 hours more and save an effort to take leave. Just about to get to 3pm, head started to feel heavy, couldn’t really concentrate, so just took an operation manual and study. It was correct move though, as I found some info in it. Hoped the time would fly, but time is ticking... Slowly... Slowly... So slow...

So? At 5.30pm sharp, there I went, out of the door, taking the operation manual with me? It will stay in my car probably for the night as I think my brain no longer in the mood for “read”. What’s I done today at my workplace? I done something, just something not really made my day at work.

I just don’t like to sit in the office for a whole day. Tomorrow probably better, morning site testing and afternoon site meeting, that probably will occupy me for a whole day, CHEER!

Workaholic

2008-11-22T20:26:00.000+08:00

NOW, it’s has been 7 months since I stepped into the world of workaholics (People who goes to work everyday). So... Am I a workaholic? I wanted to be one, wanted to work my way up the corporate ladder. That was my thinking before I got myself into this world, which is different from what I used to perceive in my mind while I was in my study years.

How to be considered as a workaholic? Am I gonna work myself to death and be considered as one? Or am I satisfy with all the work I executed and in turn be considered as a successful person, if not a workaholic?

1. Workaholic = Successful?
2. Successful = Workaholic?

1st equation seems to be reasonable. If one person works day and night, focus his attention onto his work, which turns him into a workaholic. From a workaholic, he then should be able to cope within his job scope and whatever the f*** his boss threw at him. He would be able to, at least settle it, no matter whatever the f*** he might have to sacrifice. Person, who gets things done (well...) well or not well, is considered successful... At least in a slightly tight scope of thinking, that particular person is capable of doing his job.

2nd equation, is it true? Nope! Successful person need not to be a workaholic, so this DAMN equation (1st equation) of being a workaholic is deemed to be waste of human efforts.

(Urm...)Sadly, my current working world does not have a ladder to climb (small office, short corporate hierarchy). But doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t advance and be successful in whatever jobs I do. Sometimes it’s hard to do whatever we do that hasn’t been done by ourselves before. As we go along, it might be getting easier or the other way around, probably because of a limit that we set to ourselves or that we have achieved our limit. Since there’s no limit to the limit of self satisfaction and fulfillment, so I probably assume sometimes that we set a limit to ourselves, giving excuses. Excuses are used to cover- up our shortcoming, our incapability, our tendency to procrastinate, so that we can save our face at the end of the day and assume that we have really done all we could.

Going back is not an option (which means I can’t go back), marching forward is not an option too (which means I can’t move forward?). In this case, I have no option (not going back and moving forward) but to keep my current state of, moving on...

The economy will be bad, won’t it? Anything we can do? Probably not... Anyway, just stay put to pull it through...

Jay's Talent is Gifted!

2008-10-14T19:37:00.000+08:00

音乐的力量，非一般的魔力。

2008-10-09T12:08:00.002+08:00

音乐的力量，非一般的魔力。。。

简单的词句，好听的璇律，勾起许多回忆。。。

听一听，换一换心情。。。

突然觉得快乐，都一直在身旁。。。

快乐，有时候。。。

真的是那么简单。。。

Working Life

2008-09-17T13:51:00.004+08:00

I have been born into the working life after my graduation and now I am 4 and ½ months old. Since being in this life, everyday I go to work, come back home and repeating the routine the next day.

Everyday in the office, my jobs are to do design (facing the computer makes me sick nowadays); attending meeting (make me feel like a secretary, jotting down the minutes and matters discussed in the meeting); attending site inspection (yeah, somehow I like it); replying to my boss comment (Wow, he writes a lot of comments, sometimes in the traffic, ranging from work related to work- unrelated); studying some drawing and documents (to get precious information) and the ultimatum i.e. face- off with my boss (this part was hardest and it’s getting harder and hard...).

Although I like my current job, but I still feel like there’s some parts missing or there’s a lot extras that make me feel that I don’t have the capacity to take it yet. The parts that are missing, I think is because of myself, lacking the basics, be it in this field (may be the time has yet to come) or as an engineer. The latter always makes me ask, how can I be an engineer if I don’t have the quality to be one? Though I have been graduated from an engineering school, does that mean I am one of them? Was it all about exams, only made me studied solely for that purpose, in order to be able to be graduated from tertiary level? Those subjects that I have taken, in my opinion, merely touched the surface of the deep sea of knowledge. It implicates me into emptiness each time thinking about this, though I gained few pieces of paper, as recognition for spending my 4 years time to earn it, nothing much, nothing less. I missed those days, when I wasn’t doing what was supposed to done for what was meant to be done.

Working life, step by step, day by day, it will teach me, step by step, day by day, what I ought to know. Quoting my boss’s words of what it takes to be a person like himself, he always says (most of time in a harsh way, sometimes in a nice manner): “It takes me 30 years to learn and I am still learning”; “I know you don’t have the experience, what I learned the hard way, I let you know now”, “Learn from mistake is the best way to learn”; “In this field, it’s 10% about technical, the rest is all about how you manage people”; “See, how I play politic with those people”; “You must always write comments and come back to me, then I will know what you don’t know”; “You see, I write a lot of comments, even waiting the traffic light, I also write”; “You always look, but you don’t see”; “You understand the English, it’s not enough”; “I wake up everyday 3 am in the morning and start doing my work”; “I hope you don’t mind, working life is like this”; etc.

Saw an article on working life and job- hopping:

“The Two-year Rule

I have a two-year rule I tell my staff and potential employees. The two-year rule is this: you must be willing to commit mentally to spend at least two years in the company before you quit. The reason is this; you need to deal with the learning curve. If you job-hop too often, you learn nothing substantial.

For me, it takes you at least a year to know the ins and outs of the company. Another year before you can eventually be truly productive in adding value to the company. To see the true results of your contribution to the company, for me it takes at least two years. So, if you are more prone to job-hopping and career success is on your mind, then it is time to rethink.”

So, I am not going anywhere in the near future? No one knows... Anyway, I am just a new born...

Inconsolable

2008-09-14T18:49:00.002+08:00

"Baby, I would tell you everytime you leave, I'm inconsolable..."

From This Moment On

2008-09-06T21:14:00.001+08:00

你是我的眼

2008-09-01T17:33:00.001+08:00

如果我能看得见
就能轻易的分辨白天黑夜
就能准确的在人群中
牵住你的手
如果我能看得见
就能驾车带你到处遨游
就能惊喜的从背后
给你一个拥抱
如果我能看得见
生命也许完全不同
可能我想要的我喜欢的我爱的
都不一样

眼前的黑不是黑
你说的白是什么白
人们说的天空蓝
是我记忆中那团白云背后的蓝天
我望向你的脸
却只能看见一片虚无
是不是上帝在我眼前遮住了帘
忘了掀开

你是我的眼
带我领略四季的变换
你是我的眼
带我穿越拥挤的人潮
你是我的眼
带我阅读浩瀚的书海
因为你是我的眼
让我看见这世界
就在我眼前

My Playstation Portable

2008-08-26T21:17:00.005+08:00

FF7- Crisis Core

System Menu

PSP

My new PSP console- just bought it last Saturday at RM 900 (4GB Memory Card) c/w accessories i.e. ear phone, AC adapter, crystal case, screen protector, car charger, UMD(Universal Media Disc) case- although I don’t use UMDs to play (Original cracked version- Yeah!), cable for TV play (only support LCD and Plasma TV, sigh...). Becoming a member of the shop I bought it from, at a discount price of RM20, I can download 3 free games into my PSP for a year. Normal price is RM 2/game loading into PSP charged by the shop plus a 25% discount for any item in the shop except consoles and memory card. But the games can be downloaded online too, which is time and electricity consuming.

There are a variety of games to choose from, now I have FIFA 2008, Final Fantasy VII- Crisis Core, Tekken, Transformers, Iron Man, Ghost Rider, Silent Hill, Grand Theft Auto-Vice City Stories, and Metal Gear Solid. For now, just playing FF7- Crisis Core as it is a popular game for PSP.

I used to have PS- One, now spoilt. The graphic was not as nice. PS II now priced at only RM 425 while PS III is at RM 1350. Nintendo Wii priced at RM 1000++ too but the play style requires motion, and the games are not my cup of tea. But somebody bought it too, when I was buying PSP. The sales is good for game console, from the shop sales person, many units of PSP and PS III too are selling like hot cakes. Kids are rich; ahem... their parents are rich nowadays.

FF7 has nice graphic and a little different of game play when in battle mode from those version for PS- One. Although it doesn’t summon GFs as in FF7, but they still appears in the game play, as monsters.

I think the game will be long as I played the FF7 before, but it was nice. May be later to download it again and try it in PSP. It is nice though, hopefully to have a plasma or LCD screen later, hehe...

The End Of A Beginning...

2008-08-14T23:14:00.002+08:00

The beginning of a beginning, 4 years ago...
The end of a beginning, 4 months ago...
The beginning of another beginning, 4 months ago...
The end of another beginning, the beginning of another beginning...

Those were words that I left once in a friend's blog. Now it seems meaningful to me, especially tonight... After tomorrow, I will be graduated. Couldn't believe time passed by so soon, helpless to watch it passed by...

Undoing All The Damages...

2008-07-27T18:50:00.004+08:00

Broken lamp...

Bonnet, mudguard and front bumper, all gone...

Rear bumper, scratched...

Dont really know what this is, but it came out anyway...

This... Is it for towing purpose? Came out in case it needed to be towed? Strange though...I didnt need it

Dont dare to open the bonnet, scared it would be unclosable... I opened the boot though, and it was UNCLOSABLE...

Uncle, I am sorry for you too... Really sorry... For your impromptu slow reaction and stupidity for not following the law... Sucks!

Bad Luck Lingers On...

2008-07-21T21:48:00.002+08:00

Today, bad luck from yesterday lingers on... Came into the office this morning, my boss, as his usual self, blah blah blah... Made me thinking I was stupid for coming to office on Sunday and settled the work even after I had my car crashed. Even coming to office on Sunday was a stupid mistake; however somebody have to be stupid anyway... But my car is just about one month old...

As I thought I would be able to bring my car to the workshop by 10am, I parked my car without parking ticket. Normally the officers would not come so often to check the area below my office. But who knows, it is not my day, so I got a “Saman”, my first even though I used to break the rules “safely”. So, upon seeing the “ticket”, I knew it was IT!

What could I do? Just leave the Saman there, so that I wont be issued a second one. RM 30? Parking ticket is just RM 3. I ran out of it, forgot to buy, forgot to put, thought it would be just awhile, not much thought left, must waste time and effort to settle it, in Bandar Perda!

After that, rushing through to complete drawings and attending meeting in the afternoon, I came back to the office, exhausted and had to figure out what was the next step to do for my project as the owner made some decision in the last minute. I don’t have enough experience, so I would refer to my boss, so be prepared to be shot, sometimes it was hard, even die standing...

How strange, I touched the tap in office toilet, it came off. I went to buy, the shop that was supposedly to be open, closed? Hell... My boss came in, blah blah blah again, for nothing; just proceed with what I should do. I always wondering why he likes to blah so much, may be due to his old age, or is he thinking for my own good. Hmm... hard to disguise, probably impossible to disguise, only time will tell, mostly after 3 to 4 years... The truth will be revealed around that time, hopefully I was not stupid.

After work, I drove my car to the workshop in Bukit Minyak. Quite far and in a rush, but I left office at 5.15pm, so until the road was jammed, I was able to reached the workshop unobstructed. After settling the documents, the foreman wanted to send me out to the main road to be fetched by my friend. How strange, he drove his car in front of me, I got in, then he wasn’t able to start the engine. Damn, no fuel. I got off, the sky was raining. He came with another car to get me out of there.

Now, at home... Head starts to ache, I just want to take a bath and conclude the night... Hopefully it will be better tomorrow, just better, nothing much to hope for...

Second Accident In A Year

2008-07-21T21:25:00.003+08:00

Yesterday afternoon, I had an accident, my second time in a year. Last year, I was riding a bike, the process was a pain. This time around, I was driving a car, the process was lame. I was on my way to office (on a Sunday? I have been working on weekends since two weeks ago). It was about 1 pm, the location was beside the UTC terminal at Jalan Bagan Luar. My office is just about 300m away. So close, yet so far...

The accident involved 3 cars, a Waja in front of me, my New Saga and a Mercedes. It was raining; quite heavily as my wiper had to be on level 2 speed. The Waja, wanted to turn to its left but without giving signal (stupid driver again), it slowed down and tried to turn in slowly. I followed behind, quickly hit on the brake so I could stop behind it, and I did! But unfortunately, the Mercedes behind me couldn’t do it (slow reaction I think for an elderly) and hit the rear of my car. causing it to move front and hit the Waja.

The Waja guy, a 30 something Malay guy, came out of his car. I asked him how come he could turn without giving any signal? Then I asked him how to settle then. His reply was:”Orang saya dekat hospital”, then he said: “repot balai” to reply my second question. At the same time, he took out a note and jotted down my number plate. I was thinking: “Shit, this stupid guy, now causing me to have some shits to follow up”. He left in a rush but I managed to remember his number plate. I just wondered why he would want to turn into that corner, as there was no hospital and the shop houses were closed as it was Sunday.

The Mercedes guy, a 50 something Indian Uncle (yeah, 3 races involved, what a day!), got down of his car and started to check on the car’s damage. His car’s front bonnet was damage about ¼ of the area. That uncle was nice though, didn’t make so much noise (I think so may be he realized it was his stupid mistake too).

Then me, after checking with the Waja guy, I checked my car. My front lamp, mudguard, bonnet and bumper was broken, scratched and damaged. It was not that bad though so I proceed to check my rear portion. To my surprise, it was not damaged. Just some scratched and my rear sensor was unpluged. I was told to shift my car inside, so I did it and it was still drivable. The Mercedes was not lucky as mine; it was towed to traffic police station later.

While waiting for my dad and the towing truck to come, I heard people said in an unbelievable manner. They were comparing the damage suffered by my car and the Mercedes. “Wow, New Saga so solid, Proton had done much improvement, it was worth to buy.”, they said. I was like:”So how am I going to solve this mess?”

Then later a workshop guy came, took the photographs of my car and the Mercedes, introduced himself and said his workshop can repair and claim the insurance for me. I was like:”Ok, how long to settle it?”. He said:”Within 10 days, fastest will be 3 days”. Later he offered to guide me to traffic police station with the Indian uncle and we went there and had the process done. The uncle got a traffic penalty for his “slow reaction”. Who could blame him? Everyone will grow old one day and please drive carefully, old folk, not every time is a lucky time.

After that, I was still proceeding to my office and settle my works. Reaching home, it was a bad day. Later that night, it was a bad night too. But after that, it was becoming alright as it was not that bad if we had someone to talk to... Taken a verse by The Backstreet Boys’ song in their newest album:

“Baby, babe gonna be alright;
Cause I'm by your side when the whole world turns against you;
Yeah yeah... I wont turn against you...”
“Baby, babe gonna be alright;
Cause I'm by your side when the whole world turns against you;
Yeah yeah... I wont turn against you…
You can let go”

Thank you very very much, really... You are the best!

24 hours a day???

2008-07-19T01:02:00.004+08:00

It's been long since I left a mark on this page. Life has been quite surprising since I left the study life. Although now my life has been mixed with happiness and doubtness, but surely it has not been feeling emptiness for quite a while. I am recovering from a fever since three days ago. Tomorrow is Saturday, supposedly it is an off- day, but I have to work? Due date to meet on Monday.

Feeling like writing much more, but it's time for bed. Though I have enjoyed this short writing, 24 hours a day, definitely not enough right now!

Over My Head

2008-06-30T23:05:00.002+08:00

You Can Let Go...

2008-06-07T21:40:00.001+08:00

I'll Never Break Your Heart...

2008-05-24T11:38:00.003+08:00

Sven, The Rouge Knight- My Favorurite Hero

2008-05-18T13:30:00.005+08:00

A follower of the great God of Order, Paladine, Sven has sworn to uphold the rights of all.

Born of a Knight and a Night Elf and ostracized since birth, Sven has leaded a solitary existence of meditation and training. He has come out of his wanderings determined to guard the innocent against evil. Armed with his blessed cleaving blade Justice, and harnessing the power to strike down his enemies with the might of God's Strength, Sven's wrath toward the unjust is a sight to behold.

Trouble Is...

2008-05-18T11:05:00.003+08:00

Trouble is... Trouble is... Trouble is... ... ... ... ... Trouble!!!

========================================
How come
You never know what you got
Until it’s gone

Too bad
Cause I never felt so good with anyone
How fool was I
Into thinking I was gonna be alright
Okay, fine

So every day I try a little harder to forget her
Lie here convince myself tomorrow will be better

The trouble is I can’t get her out of my mind
When I close my eyes at night
Who’s gonna save me
Now she’s gone (yeah)
The trouble is there’s a part of me
That still can’t let go of her memory
And now I know what it is
Love is what the trouble is
Love is what the trouble is

How come she said you never wear your heart
Where I can see too bad
Cause now I’m the one who’s sorry, yeah

How stupid was I
Into thinking I was gonna be alright
Okay, fine

So everyday I find a little something to remind me
No matter how I try I can’t put the past behind me

The trouble is I can’t get her out of my mind
When I close my eyes at night
Who’s gonna save me
Now she’s gone (she’s gone)

The trouble is there’s a part of me
That still can’t let go of her memory
And now I know what it is
And now I know what it is love has let me

Love me
I’m alright, I’m okay
I’ll be fine, give it time
But the only

Trouble is I can’t get her out of my mind
When I close my eyes at night
Who’s gonna save me
Now she’s gone (she’s gone)

The trouble is there’s a part of me
That still can’t let go of her memory (I just can't)
And now I know what it is
And now I know what it is

Cause love is what the trouble is
The trouble
Love, love is what the trouble is
Hey, hey
=======================================

by The Backstreet Boys, Unbreakable

Unsuspecting Sunday Afternoon

2008-05-18T10:35:00.003+08:00

Sunday has come again, tomorrow will be a holiday, so it's great !

==============================================
How come I was the last to know
Took the stage, then you stole the show
Another unsuspecting sunday afternoon

I was captured by that stare
Now I'm shattered, but I don't care
And the people walking by don't have a clue

That I kissed your face
Till the sun was in our eyes
Till the afternoon arrived

And I can't explain
Last night I saw the fireworks
The kind of pain that never hurts
The one you hate to love is made for you
Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon

Monday is a funny thing
Still waiting for the phone to ring
Will my imagination take it slow
(Oh yeah...)

After Saturday, my life is changed
In a moment, it was rearranged
Strange how easy it is, letting go

And I miss your face
Like the sun was in my eyes
And now I'm running blind

And I can't explain
Last night I saw the fireworks
The kind of pain that never hurts
The one you hate to love is made for you
Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon

(Oooh, ahhh, ooooh...)

This sweet relief, unexpected things
This is the end, of only the beginning

I miss your face,
Like the sun was in my eyes (Like the afternoon)
Now I'm running blind (running blind)

I can't explain
Last night I saw the fireworks,
The kind of pain that never hurts
The one you hate to love that's made for you
Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon
Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon

=============================================

by The Backstreet Boys, Unbreakable

Into "Social University"

2008-05-16T22:17:00.000+08:00

So tired, a working life can be... Everyday waking up at 7.15 am and sleep before midnight every night. It has been two weeks since it had started...

My office is a “Social University”, as said by my very capable clerks in the office. These two still “pretty” aunties have been working for long time at the office. One has worked for 24 years and another has 16 years under her belt. Wow, I am 24 this year, the aunty started same year as I was born? Hmm... I am pretty impressed, very much indeed... Others colleagues too have been working for long time, 15 years, 8 years, 6 years respectively for those involved in the M & E engineering field. Considered this experiences, they will be a very much sought after assets. My colleagues have been pretty close, considering the ties that built over the years. During my 2 weeks there, they have been cracking jokes, although at first they seemed to be not letting it all out, as said by one of them, it might scare me off, then I would not be coming to work the next day. They even teased among themselves, of course in a lighter manner. But nobody took it to heart, so it was great. Today it was more fun, cracking all type of jokes, including some not so yellow jokes. Our trainee (my university junior), even laughed until he complained of stomach pain. I couldn’t help myself too, it was so funny. But soon, two of them will be leaving us, and the trainee will also be leaving us, it will not be that much of fun, I think... My office is considered small; it only has about 11 people working. It will further be reduced to 8 people when July comes. Hopefully it will have some new people joining it, as this will definitely help to ease some burden.

Why it is said to be a “Social University”? “It teaches us all those things that we couldn’t learn, even from university”, proudly said by them. The trainee, who has been with them even before the training period, was said by them to be a “white cloth”, now it has been “tainted”. He will leave in July to continue study, don’t know whether he will join the office after he graduated, but he seems to like the job. So, been in a “Social University” means learning all those things not yet and cannot be learned in University. It included many things, apart from some technical knowledge. Now the two newbies, including me are the “white cloth”, which will be “tainted” really soon.

Yesterday, one of the clerks said: “Learn from other people’s mistake, it is for your gain.” Wow, I like that phrase she said very much. Today I also heard my boss saying it, so I will always remember it. They said so because now since I am a newbie, I have to continue what others had let off. They jokingly said those “shit”, I have to clean it since I will take over the job from them. I know what they meant, and thinking that this is the chance for me to learn from the “Social University”. Later, I will not be able to learn from other people’s mistake, I will be on my own, but I still can learn from my own mistake, so I have to take the chance now, or never...

Primary School Friends Gathering...

2008-05-09T22:20:00.000+08:00

Yester night was the gathering of some of my primary school’s friends. Wow, come to think about it, some of us didn’t even meet for like 12 years or so since our graduation from Primary Sixth. Although not all of them attended, only 9 out of 30+/-, we had much fun. Couldn’t believe it would be that way as we were not really close when in the primary school (see how things can change).

Most of them still have the same face as in their younger days, except me? Why me (most agreed it was me)? Our class monitor, 淑芬didn’t even recognize me, asked me who I was, haha... Faces still familiar, but most have changed the way of carrying themselves. The change is good, I wonder if people will change when they came to a certain stage, so this may prove the point. Haha, may be just like my colleagues said today, all came out of “Social University”.

Surely it was fun last night, so I am looking forward to the next gathering, scheduled on next Saturday at Juru Autocity. Till’ the time we meet again...

Yet Another Death...

2008-05-09T19:08:00.000+08:00

Here comes yet another death of a NS trainee. It’s sad to read about those stories every time even I don’t know the deceased. Can you imagine? Last year’s had about 12 or so trainees reported died during the training. What about those unreported? This year has been quite a few of deaths, but I not sure how many it is. It seems like NS has not been well managed by their respective camp commandos (they like to be called that way).

My brother and my cousin (they were in the same camp) just came back from theirs, but opted to be exempted from returning after the one week holiday is over. They obtained the exemption because they have been offered to study in College and Sixth Form. Can you believe when he told me that there was no water to bathe sometimes? Then they had to stand under the sun for about 2 hours, in the evening! The commando (head of camp or whatever) was considered “wise”, judging by the way that he was standing under some shade. Just try yourself, standing under the sun in the afternoon, I bet for 10 minutes maximum you cannot stay still already. Two hours? We are human, we can die from dehydration, cant we? This particular camp, some where in the neighboring state, is quite isolated from the urban area. It used to be associated with some sort of vampire story where it got its name from, if I’ not mistaken.

My mother and my aunt were worried; especially they called home to say that they wanted to come back on the next day after they reported themselves! My brother had his share of sickness during that time also; I think mostly due to deprivation of sleep, lowered immunity due to the insufficient nutrition taken but lots of Vitamin D, I am judging it based on his skin color. Wow, he was already not that fair before he went for training, now he looks like he did an entire season for the Prison Break series. I guessed if I had been there, I would be like a snake; my skin would be changing so often until I has some sort of skin disease. Now he’s back, so thank God he’s still ok. The hair will grow back, the tanned skin will become fairer and he will not be going back for NS, not risking the probability, quite a high probability if calculated (call a kid to do it, you will be surprised).

Our beloved Batu Gajah MP, Fong Po Kuan has called for the review of the program, submitting an emergency motion to the parliament. She’s done a great job, it is emergency and it should be paid attention. In my opinion, the implementers saw the big picture, thought that they would be able to have it their ways. But can they ensure all the camps around this country behave the same ideal way that they thought he camps would be? If the answer is negative, it’s time to put an end to it; no question will be asked, people will be happy, but not those who lost their loved one previously in the program. Hopefully they would be able to come to term with what had happened and move on with life.

We cannot change the past, but we can change the future...

Am I Book Worm Or Not?

2008-04-26T14:41:00.001+08:00

I just finished packing (phew, finally...). Can’t believe an academic year with only a couple of subjects will leave me with quite a stack of books. Some I have thrown away as I think probably I won’t be needing it. Calculating the collection of books over 4 years of study (some left at home), how come so many books around? I don’t have any memory of reading any of them. DAMN, so many books, am I considered as a book worm (a friend actually asked me that yesterday, hehe...)?

Can’t really think of much to write; just want to take some time off. I want to go home; tomorrow will be going to visit my grandma, who I didn’t spend much of time with her since I was studying. She loves me so much (Yeah...) and I love her that much too. I am her eldest grandchild. Although she has became a grand grandmother as my nephew gave birth to her two kids. She brought me up as my parents were working back then. I was so closed to her when I was young. She gave me much that I wanted, most importantly she always taught me to be a good person (Hmm... Not quite sure I have become one, may be the time isn’t now). She also used to tell me many stories; I like to hear those stories from her. She told me things about her when she was young, during the Japanese Occupation, about our family (Yeah, I know much than others in the family), story about Chinese culture and Chinese God’s stories (hehe, don’t know what to call those stories exactly). She is already 70 ++ years old and most of my uncles and aunts are busy with their works, so she is often alone at home during the day. She always says that luckily she has Astro installed, so that she would not be that bored. She likes to watch drama too. She is of Hakka ancestry (she taught me a few words, but I just couldn’t remember it, hehe...), but she speaks Hokkien and Cantonese (guess it was the dramas that she watched), besides Bahasa Malaysia. She doesn’t know how to speak fluent English but she always stressed the importance of it and she is right.

Just came back from lunch, will be playing a match of DOTA before sending my bike home. Later will come again to pick up my things (sigh), that many things to carry... Sometimes just want to throw them all away, together with all the bitter memories that I have acquired during these 4 years...

My Last Night In USM Engineering Campus...

2008-04-26T00:22:00.007+08:00

Tonight, will be the very last night I have myself in here, USM Engineering Campus. Now I am still packing, taking off some time to put few words on the blog (phew, many things to throw away...). Linkin Park’s song is playing on and on:

Leave Out All the Rest
...
...
...
...
...
When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done,
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed,
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty,
Keep me in your memory; leave out all the rest,
Leave out all the rest...

After 4 years, many things have happened, many things have changed. I am not quite exposed to the working environment for an engineer, although I had my industrial training (Sigh... what I got from the training was that I just want to forget about it). I hope it will not be SO tough. I know I have a lot of things (I mean really A LOT) to learn once I step into the working environment. All the things I have learned since 4 years ago, I guess it will not constitute much of the required knowledge and skills of an engineer in a practical environment. I still remember what I used to put in my report card for the occupation that I wanted to be when I have grown up, when I was in primary school. Besides Doctor (Guess I wasn’t being born to have a pair of healing hands and blood, a taboo for me), Lawyer (I was quite an introvert back then. Lawyer? C’mon...), Postman (Wow, what was I thinking- may be I thought people would be happy to receive a letter back then), Farmer (I guess I just wanted everyone to have enough to eat, was it my thinking then? I am not sure...) and Engineer (Yeah, I am one now, without experience).

At first, I was interested to become a Civil Engineer. I wanted to construct building. I had it on my mind when I was in Form 5 & Form 6. So what made me changed my mind back then? I guess it was when I was working part time in a company selling pump equipment. Has the reason being obvious? But it’s not quite of what happened actually that made me changed my mind. Thought I changed my mind because I had something to deal with pump equipments? I was not that interested at that time into pump, I was just an office assistant. One of the clerks there, which I was quite friendly with, as we always used to joke among ourselves. She told me that her husband (a Bumiputra) was involved in the field of Civil Engineering (had a company by himself, if I am not mistaken). She said to me that the future was not really bright for Civil Engineering, explaining the situation of her husband. I was not sure of what she said was the truth as I didn’t have any knowledge in the field of engineering. I guessed from that time on, I started to look at what kind of engineer most advertised in the newspaper. May be it was not really effective, but I did anyway, just for reference purpose.

I loved Chemistry very much (actually I love science). That was why I scored every time in the Chemistry subject in the SPM and STPM. Among the 3 science subjects, I loved Chemistry the most, second was Biology and least favorite was Physics. Then I thought of being a Chemical Engineer was not a bad idea, being involved in a field that I had interest in. Seemed really good, right? It was good until I came to work in a chemical soldering factory after I quitted my pump equipment company’s job (the reason was money, the root of all evil). I worked as a laboratory technician for a salary of a couple of hundreds ringgit higher than the previous job. So what to expect in a chemical industry? Expect a lot of chemicals. Chemical, of any type, spells danger. That was all I had learned at the factory. Even working at the office upstairs and occasionally came down to take some samples to measure; I thought the environment was too risky. Lucky I didn’t have any major accident (a minor one almost killed me and my friend, sigh...), so I don’t want to spend my life in that kind of situation. Fumes all around, made me uncomfortable. Some people say ambition is important, ordinary people with sky- high ambition or something like that (in Chinese). So what if I liked Chemistry so much? It didn’t really matter, didn’t even weighted heavy enough to be mattered.

The time to make decision was due, to apply for courses in IPTA (local university). “Wow, I had 8 choices? Hmm... Let me think for a moment... ”. I wasted two choices, 1st and 2nd as I put medical field’s course (Doctor actually). Not quite sure why, guessed it was strategy to hope for the most prestigious course. Many people done that, so I was not alone (I was not alone being a dumb). I guessed I was out of my mind, if I was given the course, what about my taboo (thought of fighting the taboo if I really got the course)? I was lucky or not? I was not sure. The rest of the choices except for 3rd and 4th didn’t really matter. I think I put Chemical and Civil Engineer too among the choices, after 3rd and 4th choices. The IPTA I chosen was only two, UM and USM. The 3rd choice was Mechanical Engineering from USM and the 4th was the same course, in UM. The reasons for that particular permutation were some sort of personal reasons, which were complicated. I thought at that time it would be alright if any of the concerned IPTAs accepted me as they are the most famous around the country (that’s why now there’s many survey like this).

Why Mechanical Engineering? It was the newspaper’s advertisements, those I used to refer for most advertised position of engineer whenever I flipped a newspaper back then. I had a couple of choices though, it was Mechanical or Electronic. Not sure now still have the trend, but the two were most sought- after engineering field’s positions. The decision was easy, I wasn’t really into Electronic, it was a subject in my opinion, that I have nothing to grasp, and studying the electricity flowing through some components wasn’t really the cup of tea I would like to drink. Then thought of Mechanical, so much caught my attention at that time (when my knowledge about the field was nil). Vehicles, machines, robots and air conditioning systems were what I could think of in Mechanical Engineering field. I like those areas. So, a Degree in Mechanical Engineering came in that kind of way, for me. If given a choice, may be the way of obtaining it would be different but it would still be Mechanical, no doubt.

I guess I must start to adjust my study’s sleeping time to suit the working’s sleeping time. It has just passed midnight. Working life starts in May, after all I still have a week or so to reset and refresh myself before a new beginning sets in. Feeling a bit tired, just hoping for comfortable and simple life in the future.

Till’ the next chapter commences, this chapter will be making way for it, surely it will...

PS: Forgot I was packing, but not much left, hehe...

07.09.07, A FATEFUL FRIDAY- Part VII, The Longest Night...

2008-04-24T17:11:00.001+08:00

It’s raining now, just like it used to be on that Fateful Friday. I guess this is the last part of it as it left about 3 hours to the end of the Friday. Despite only 3 hours left on the day, I felt it was the longest night ever in my life.

Alone, I was lying on my bed. My left foot was burning like hell; I was in a situation that is really contrasting. One moment I was trying to relax, the other moment the pain was just really trying to kill me. I thought it would be good to call my friend to tell him that I got an accident. I called Yong, my course mate. May be I was a person that has many things to lose, even in a moment like that; I was still thinking of my academic. Probably because I was thinking too ahead, because I had already had my chance of surviving, then thinking that I still had to finish my degree and I didn’t want it to be out of schedule (for my time to graduate) and probably out of control (cant think of whether I would have the interest to continue if it was delayed) in my life. Huh? I was thinking too much, even with the pain, my weak mind was still able to be out of my control and wandering around thinking about would be(s) and will be(s). Came back to Yong, I told him I was not able to attend to class for quite a “some” time that I didn’t even know how much the “some” would be, a couple of weeks? 1 month? If it took more than that, I would be extending my course or else I would be getting a poor result (I still had the energy to do estimation, although some parts of my brain were offline- ing). Hope he would be able to update me (which he did) so that I could go for test, if any and could see how my final year project would become. After that, I messaged Ooi (one of my best friends) and he called back, we chatted for half an hour and I was really came close to be knocked out by unconsciousness.

After hanging up Ooi’s, I thought it was all I could do in a situation like that. So I could just lie down and feel the pain. Seeing people, nurses came or gone, I slowly, again lost in the sense of time. I wasn’t able to fall asleep, the pictures of me fallen on the road started to seep into my mind. I didn’t want to think about it, but it just came in. Then after thinking pessimistically, I felt lucky to be alive (optimistically). This contrasting effect came up once again, may be to compensate for the imbalance state of my mind. I closed my eyes, but I couldn’t fall asleep. Actually my mind was in the twilight zone, shifting in and out of consciousness (Huh? I guessed I didn’t bang my head). I felt thirsty sometimes, found it hard to drink water (because of my bruised elbow). I felt hungry also, could just eat some bread brought over by my mom. The night was cold (actually not quite later which caused me insomnia). The hospital room only had a ceiling fan, it had an unusually long support, may be due to the higher than average ceiling. The fan was spinning slowly, but it was enough to give some ventilation.

It was not as comfortable as I was feeling, though thinking of transferring to private hospital as I was covered by insurance. My dad had done that before, being admitted to Government hospital (for accident too), then after first examination, he requested transfer to private hospital. But then I thought of, it would take quite an effort to move to a new place (registering new place, etc), and in Butterworth there was no private hospital that I wanted to be in (actually got one, but I had been admitted in it, the bill was enormous until to a point that I came to think that the hospital is a black hospital that cuts throat). Besides, although being covered by insurance (which only 2 months old), I did some calculations and if I had been admitted in a private hospital, I could as well ended up paying the bill instead (if the bill was enormous, which I guessed it would 90% sure that it would be that HUGE) as the insurance policy there has stated a minimum RM 300 (if less than the 10% of the bill) or 10% or a maximum RM 1000 (if more than the 10% of the bill) for admission into hospital. If the bill was RM 2000 (I stayed at the mentioned private hospital before for 1 day, 1 night, the f***ing bill was RM 2000, many people in this town area know that the hospital is famous for the skill- not the skill of the Docs, but the skill of cutting throat, slitting you in a flash moment that you don’t even know what had hit you), I had to pay RM 300 (minimum RM 300). Unless I stayed for many days, in order to claim the insurance RM 200/day (but I realized later the claiming process of the insurance is a hell of a f***ing process too) to cover up the unusual medical bill, so that I would not be paying my own money (I am poor, sigh) to stay at the private hospital. After much of the thoughts, I didn’t make the request (which I regretted later).

The clock was ticking, it was close to midnight. It would be the end of the day, the Fateful Friday that I had. Immersed in a sea of pain, I witnessed the passing into midnight. I couldn’t fall asleep yet, so I was listening to some songs on my phone. I thought I lost my earphone (I didn’t know that the helpers put my earphone inside my bag after moving me up inside the ambulance), so I just listened to the songs using speaker but in a very low volume. Sometimes I do believe that music will heal (remembering a song from the 90s- Let the Music Heals Your Soul) but at that time, I didn’t really feel its effect. So I stopped, after a couple of songs. I was thinking, it was already passed midnight and I would be sleeping real soon, so I just try to relax and hopefully would fall into slumber so that my pain would not be sensed by my consciousness.

Reading a book on psychology a couple of weeks ago, it stated that our mind is divided into conscious and unconscious states. Soon after we were born, the unconscious mind took its place. As we became older and wiser, the unconsciousness decreases while the consciousness increases. It’s in the religion teaching of the Buddha that every follower of Him will try to attain highest consciousness possible. It’s the consciousness that makes us who we are, why we are here and what we want to be in our life. The unconsciousness inside us is the ego selves that are deprived of its wants and needs. The ego selves will always try to break out, as they are deprived of what they wanted, therefore will cause us to do many things that we would do in the first place if we were in control of our consciousness. Crimes and all the bad things that people do are from the unconscious minds of them, deprived of what they desired in the first place. They will try to compensate the minds in every way that they could, even it’s depriving other people of their privileges or, most importantly other people’s safety.

It was about 2 something in the morning, I was still awake but drowsy, my foot was getting hotter, really felt like a fire was “barbequing” it. My body is aching too, may be because of the falling and the hospital bed seemed to be one hell of a bed, no matter how I moved (just my body, left leg was “untouchable”), it was just not right. I was thinking: “(Sigh) No again, I can’t sleep and it was killing me”. Then, my neighbor hospital bedroom mate, called a passer- by to close the fan. I was like: “Wtf, the fan was already adjusted to its slowest speed, to accommodate the requirement, at least for each of us. I want the fan to spin as fast as it could but he don’t want it, so the slowest speed seems fine. Now he just switched it off, he just being too selfish? ”. After only a few moments, mosquitoes started to attack me. I really couldn’t believe it; it was like a hell there. I wanted to sleep but couldn’t already causing much of the unwanted headaches, the pain and the fire burning effects were killing me, the fan had stopped, causing more uncomfortable and then the mosquitoes also wanted to take advantage of me.

Until a point that I couldn’t take it, I just switched the fan on (Yeah, the switch just happened to be on the wall beside me), of course the slowest speed. It really made much difference even the slightest amount of air circulation would ward off the mosquitoes, giving me some air, comforted me some and reducing the headaches. After half an hour, he called the passer- by (a guy who always went to the toilet, happened to be passing by for like 1 x 10E6 times) to switch off the fan again. Oh, my mind was going berserk, but I could do nothing, so I just let him had his “stationary” fan, while I was digesting all the uncomfortable (I regretted for not requesting to transfer to private hospital). The time was already 3 something, in a blurry image, suddenly I saw Mr. Theva. I said to him the pain was excruciating, especially the burning sensation. He said he would prescribe me some painkiller. I was like: “Thank you, that’s all I ever need now”. So I waited for the “killer” to arrive, hopefully it would kill off the pain, or just being any typical medication that would cause me to fall asleep even if it didn’t kill the pain. BUT can you believe it? The “killer” arrived after half an hour (Sigh...) and it didn’t kill the pain. I guessed it was typical in a Government hospital, but don’t you all think time= life in hospital? If it was designed to accommodate quite a number of patients, why there was a slack time between ordering and receiving? Is it because of financial problem? But if private hospital can do it, why can’t a Government hospital do it too? Many Qs there when it comes to this, some time in the matter of life and death. What was left to be done? I guessed it was nil, the pain was still there, couldn’t sleep, the fan was not spinning and got sucked by blood thirsty pre- labor she- mosquitoes.

I slept at 5 something that day and woke up at 7 something by the nurses over there. Taking my body temperature, blood pressure and hooked me on a drip. It was antibiotic and at first it was uncomfortable, thought I was allergic to it or something, then later it was alright, it drained fast too. At the same time, my neighbor was also hooked on a drip, but his package contained blood, seemed he needed it much. May be I could have some of it after the blood- sucking event earlier. So I guessed it was awake time again, really tired. I slept some 1 hour, better than none. At about 9 am, a doc came by and examined my X- ray and my foot. She said I could check out if I want in the afternoon. I was relieved, or else I would request a transfer to private hospital. After that, a group of trainees leaded by a female doc stopped by my bed. She opened up my bandage, showed the X- ray to her students, and asked what was wrong; I guessed my foot was the physical model that they were discussing. I wondered if she knew I was still in pain because it handled my “injured foot” like it was a “foot”. Many doctors I used to meet were like that, don’t know whether they feel nothing and it was alright to handle it that way, but the patient would totally feel otherwise.

After taking 1 hour sleep, I just wanted to be home, didn’t care much already. Physically, mentally tired, I checked out at noon, heading home to find a comfortable rest...

Sleepless night, after- ALL...

2008-04-24T03:04:00.002+08:00

I can’t sleep now; it is 10 minutes past 2 am. I’d just spent the night playing DOTA, sometimes think of it, doesn’t seem to have any meaning playing it, but I played anyway, wonder when I’ll stop playing it (may be addicted to it somehow). I just had my presentation done yesterday, yeah, after all, just finished my Degree (hopefully praying to the ABOVE so that I won’t fail any of the subjects I took, actually there was only two subjects together with my final year project). The presentation was my best in all that I ever presented, I think... I didn’t even feel nervous, unlike my past behavior, when the nervousness always seemed to creep up and eat me every time I was talking in front of a crowd or presenting on a stage. I hope to maintain the courage to speak in front of the crowd that I have just obtained, hard to believe I can be that fluent speaking and acquired some sort of self- satisfaction during my presentation. It almost took 4 years, to present like the way that I found myself liking it, it’s a bit late, but it’s mostly welcomed.

Now listening to one of Jay Chou’s song, “End of The World”:

想笑　来伪装掉下的眼泪　
点点头　承认自己会怕黑
我只求　能借一点的时间来陪　
你却连同情都不给

想哭　来试探自己麻痹了没
全世界　好像只有我疲惫
无所谓　反正难过就敷衍走一回　
但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞

天灰灰　会不会　让我忘了你是谁
夜越黑　梦违背　难追难回味
我的世界将被摧毁　也许事与愿违
累不累　睡不睡　单影无人相依偎
夜越黑　梦违背　有谁肯安慰
我的世界将被摧毁　
也许颓废也是另一种美

I am somehow feeling like:”全世界　好像只有我疲惫”. But I just can’t do this verse: “想哭　来试探自己麻痹了没”. Maybe I am already become too numb to cry. It’s not end of the world, it’s just a transition period of my life. But I don’t really like this kind of transition period, it somehow giving an impression that nothing will ever last, adding to the fact that everything will not last, not even the universe and anything within it. Some say that the universe is expanding into nothing, from nothing the universe became something. 反反复复, 怎会不累呢？

I think of continue to write the Fateful Friday as I have not completed it yet. The reason behind it is that after the Fateful Friday, I started to feel things by the heart. It is not like I didn’t use to feel with the heart, it’s just something that took it away, may be it was my immature behavior. People used to be like this, I am nevertheless one of them, only to realize something after it has gone missing. Now I can’t say that I am doing what I want to do perfectly, but at least I am trying; trying to become someone that I am not, someone who is better.

I am already 24 years old this year, and if I am lucky, may be I will still have quite a few of other 24 years to live. At this point of life, I have nothing, really nothing much, but I am grateful, in nothing I had learned many things. I saw a movie the other day, at the end, it says:”Run as long and as far as you like in your life, nobody can stop you”. It’s true in the sense of no body but only ourselves can stop us from running; it’s also true in the sense that as long as I am running, I will go further away from my life, a life that would become if I didn’t run.

I am starting to yawn, so I guess I will call it a day soon. I plan to wake up early this morning, wash my bike and then see if I could just write something (really feel like writing something). Since now I am free, doing something I like, later may be will not have the chance. Cherish it, so that I will not lose it even though it was meant to be lost.

我一个人在角落没有你陪伴的我
连寂寞都笑我太堕落
广场旁边的烟囱烟雾弥漫你面容
我悄悄背颂你的温柔喝着加温后的啤酒
这样唯美的镜头是否只存在故事之中
在你身后时间把画面带走
时间把镜头带走不假思索回忆不放手
好想在跟你牵着手牵着曾有过的温柔
哭过以后眼泪还是不停的的流
遇见彩虹
雨下过之后街角出现彩虹
泪流乾之后有彩虹

by Jay, 瓦解.

Good night...

07.09.07, A FATEFUL FRIDAY- Part VI, The Sharpest Pain Ever... Time 7pm- 9pm

2008-04-03T15:53:00.007+08:00

As relieving as I was, I became speechless seeing my family (my mom and my aunt). At that time, I felt that I had done something terribly wrong. I felt sorry to being in a situation like that and had my family visiting me in that situation but very soon, the pain overwhelmed my sorrow... Despite the about- to- get- worse- pain, my stomach was starting a war, but I had the slightest appetite to eat anything. Coincidentally, nurses over there were starting to distribute the dinners to all the patients in that room (you’re right, it was dinner time). The dinner was ordinary, a piece of fish (getting some ‘smart protein’ to be a wiser man next time...), portion of vegetable (multivitamin) and a slice of watermelon(nothing much to gain, all H2O). Sitting at my bed, looking at the dinner and behaving like a log (the pain was turning me into a motion sensitive human). My mom called me to eat something, fearing for gastric, so I started... Each spoonful of my dinner reminded me (all of us too, healthy human being) of how lucky I was prior to that Fateful Day. Hospital, besides being a place for nursing physical conditions, it was also a place that brings me to my humble self. Countless situations, good or bad, came before our eyes once we stepped into that place. How could I not to be humbled, so seems like it was a place of self- reflecting too. Each fed of mine was accompanied by pain, and soon after, I stopped eating (only ate 5 or so spoons). The family of my new found hospital bed neighbor came, brought him some things along. The dinner plate at his bed was left untouched; I thought he was not capable to even lift the spoon. Lucky his family came to help him out. My aunt had conversed with them and found out that he crashed into the back of a lorry three days ago, causing him to be in that kind of state. So seemed how lucky I was, only with a broken foot, a deep cut wound and some scratches.

A nurse with a wheelchair came over my bed, saying that I was naughty for crashing my bike and I would be given some pain as a penalty (Ha-ha). I was sweating cold, thinking about what to follow up later but I had no choice, so I just followed the ‘flow’ as I was already fallen into the ‘stream’. He pushed me until a surgery room; my mind was unclear already, starting to have delusion (I was not able to clearly remember all things that were happening). There I saw Mr. Theva, the Orthopedic and his two trainees’ doc (one being the cold- hearted dog, urm... doc). I got up and lied on the operating table (I was thinking: “God, this must be IT”). Mr. Theva said to me that I was about to have my cut wound stitched up. I said ok but a signal from my mind, went like: “Can I not have it? Maybe just let the wound heals by itself, because our body has the ability to heal itself, even the cuts, I think...”. Although I was sweating cold, by seeing him preparing the instruments, I knew it would be stupid to say what I was thinking at that time and it was not a time for voicing out personal opinion too, I had to let the doc did his duty. Being a cold- hearted trainee doc, the guy was going to have his dinner and asked for what Mr. Theva would like to have for his, he got a reply of ‘mee goreng’. He left satisfied with the order. The time I thought was 7.30pm and I would be getting the sharpest pain ever...

First, I was cleaned up of my wound and then given a shot (anesthetic) at my foot (third shot of the day), I didn’t feel anything although the doc informed me prior to it (adding a pain to an already in pain foot, so I guess it didn’t matter at all). I always had some fear for needle, especially those used for blood test; I could faint after a blood test (a 2/3 chance, sigh... I heard from the nurses more guys who fainted after blood test than girls). After few minutes of anesthetic, the doc started the stitching. I felt my foot was numb; I wasn’t sure what he did as I wasn’t that interested into a bloody job, and it had a sensation like plaster peeling off at my wound. I felt he was cutting off the dead skin surrounding the wound, later he said he was because the skin was turning black (may be short of blood). Then felt he washed it with water, then just repeated the ‘plaster peeling procedure’. There was no pain (as my foot was numb) until a point, I was like:’ Ouch! It hurts like hell.’ It was a sharp pain, occurring between my last and the fourth toe, guessed it was a stitch in a place that was not covered by anesthetic or probably the needle went through some nerves or something (anesthetic only for muscle to become numb, I think...). At that time, grabbing tight to my Holy Verse, praying that please let me felt the pain, only once... The procedure went on smoothly, the doc (Mr. Theva) was doing his job, the room was silent but my mind wasn’t. My mind was thinking about many things, just can’t remember clearly what they were. It was again became longest period of my life (a 30 min surgery, felt like an hour).

I also had an experience of doing a MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) last year, it was quite scary though. I couldn’t move inside the tight chamber for 30 minutes (not suggested to move as it might create a blurry image), only capable of hearing my own heartbeat after the much noisy magnetic generating device had stopped (the device ran for 5 min or so then stopped for about 2 min, and the cycle repeated itself). Hearing my own heartbeat, and I was confined, so guessed what, I thought it had about 120 beats/sec. But the longer I stayed in that place, the calmer I became. I think it was because I already started to get used to it. That time, I was scanning my brain only; the price was about RM 1000+ (too expensive) and the result showed that I still had my brain inside my head, nothing much nothing less (RM 1000+ just dropped into deep sea). I wish someday people would invent a much more comfortable device for the MRI, at least for the sake of Claustrophobia (urm, not sure whether I got the phobia or not as I got used to it later).

After a few less than the sharpest pain’s pains, the minor surgery was over and I was relieved (too early it might seem, but nothing else could I feel). I was pushed back to my bed and on the way back, the TV3 newscasters started to report news, so the time was 8pm (still a 4 hour to the end of the Fateful Friday). Hearing the news (didn’t care what they were reporting), I was gratified I wouldn’t be on the news the very next day. Sitting on my bed, I felt I had been through quite a something, may be because of the adrenalin rush (sharpest pain’s aftermath), I felt like I could conquer the world! BUT, I just wanted to go home... BUT, the doc said I would be staying for the night, in case of anything left undetected from my ordeal. So I had no plane to catch, sitting at my bed, explaining the ‘Unexplained SEVEN’ to my mom and aunt, feeling the post- adrenalin’s dopamine. The effect was like morphine (though I never had it), it suppressed my pain (at least for that time) and I was at my calmest. Outside the window, I could see a neon lamp, and through it too I saw the rain, guessed it was a cold, long night ahead.

Then familiar faces appeared; the ‘cold’ doc (may be because of the weather) and the nurse, who pushed me here and there. Didn’t remember what the doc said (he deafened my ears already with his words earlier) and the nurse was pushing me to get my left foot casted in plaster. There I was, out for a ride in the wheelchair again and followed a lift down to the ground floor, I arrived at the plaster room. Inside the room were an old man and his assistant who pushed me in. The rain was heavy at that time and thunders struck like it was in a no man’s land. The room was filled with the smells of Gypsum (I didn’t like it much), and I was measured of my leg dimensions by the old man. My leg, at that time, already became ‘not my leg’ anymore as I hardly felt the sensation of it. The old man had little patience too (may be it was 8pm, he was tired or supposed to go home or ...), I thought, as he handled my injured foot like an ordinary healthy foot. I was also ‘washed’ by him for not lifting up my foot so that the plaster could take its shape and my foot could have a nice support. I didn’t mean to do it opposite his way, but I wasn’t capable, so I was unwillingly ‘washed’. His assistant was nice though and he pushed me back to the room after the casting process.

Very soon, actually when I was on the way up by lift, my leg was burning like hell, I thought the plaster of Paris must be consolidating and releasing the heat (exothermic). The equation somewhat goes like: 2 (CaSO4•½ H2O) + 3 H2O → 2 (CaSO4.2H2O) + Heat. I think something is missing from the equation, it should be: 2 (CaSO4•½ H2O) + 3 H2O → 2 (CaSO4.2H2O) + Heat + Feeling of fire burning your leg + Dead skin + Headaches + Restless mind + Weakened mind+ Insomnia + Decreased immunity. I also found out later that a news goes like this: “In January 2007, a sixteen year-old girl suffered third-degree burns after encasing her hands in plaster as part of a school art project in Lincolnshire, England. She subsequently had her thumbs and most of her fingers amputated”. Huh? Lucky me again!

I reached my bed, it was almost 9pm, my mom and aunt was leaving. I reluctantly send them away (sitting at my bed only) and then I was left alone, preparing for the unexpected night...

07.09.07, A FATEFUL FRIDAY- Part V, Emergency Room... Time 4.05pm- 7pm

2008-03-23T23:55:00.007+08:00

I saw light after light and I was still shivering... I was pushed into a room; at there I saw a female doctor and a few of her assistants. I was calm (a bit scare actually) and started to feel the pain of my left foot. From the stretcher, I was carried by them (Tan & co. + the medical assistants) onto a bed. My right thumb was then clamped by a sensor, which connected to the pulse sensing machine (don’t know what to call it), then I heard my heartbeat. As I can remember now, I think the number indicated by the machine was around sixty something (I was calm but arrgh...). The doctor then asked me the questions that Tan had asked previously at the petrol station and I gave her not much, not less too... Then I was given a shot in the right arm, she said it was for relieving my pain (but later I still felt the excruciating pain, even more than ever, so the shot was “extra”). Then she had her assistant undone the bandage on my left foot, while she put some antiseptics over my wounds- the hands, knees and arms.

Then Tan was there, again assuring me I would be ok and he would contact my family. He then said he would be leaving, I will be taken care of by the hospital. (I really thanked him very much, although he said it was his duty. Later he called my mom and chatted a lot, and then I knew he was TARC graduate and been volunteering for emergency services). So he left with his co., leaving me alone with not much to expect but very much in pain, the assistant then washed my wounded foot and my mind had started to get dizzy (maybe I was all exhausted, it was a long day but now only 4 something? Oh my God...) although I was still very much awake. Just a short while of being given the “extra” shot, the doctor came by me and gave me another, this time on the left arm; she said it was for disinfecting. Then I was left unattended for quite a while (I thought so because time was almost stood still for me after I picked myself up in the middle of the road), though I could see the nurses and assistants, attending to other patients in the other room (the door wasn’t closed).

I was a bit blur, seeing the clock on the wall, it was 4.15pm. I caught myself thinking:”If have not been like this, I was already at home”. Then my mind started to wander, going from what would happen after this to what would happen to my studies (Was I going to extend my studies because this and the week was the 9th week into the Semester I, I had not started my final year project yet and so many other things left uncertain about my academic). After about 15 minutes or so, lying there, the sensor was disconnected from me. Somebody else was sent into the emergency room. I didn’t dare to have a look although his bed was just below mine (perhaps I didn’t have the strength to even lift my head- though it was with an empty mind). I thought the sensor was connected to his/her hand, and then I heard the heartbeat of his/her. It was scary, his/her heartbeat was not regular, sometimes the machine sounded heartbeat but sometimes it just went continuous (meaning no heartbeat?). The doctor and his assistants were busy in front of me, I thought they were attending the patient (I saw them but didn’t see that patient). Then I saw the doctor with don’t- know- what- to- call device, we used to see it on the television when somebody have no heartbeat, the doctor would get the device and shocked the patient by the counts of 1, 2, 3... I don’t know what it is called, but what? Using that device meant that the patient is nearly... I was like:” how come?”.

Then a medical assistant pushed me out of the area. Along the way, I asked him does he know how my situation was, but to no avail because I thought he also didn’t know much. I been through quite a number of doors, and then finally came to a room. I asked what it was about, and then knew that I was going to be X- Rayed. Then a nurse pushed me into the X- Ray room, she asked why I was shivering so much, I said I was cold and she examined my clothes and said to another nurse:” Basah la tu”. I said I had been through rains. Then she asked what had happened to my foot, I said I crashed my bike. She proceeded to take my X- Rays. She took it two times, may be because of the first angle, was not what she wanted (I hate X- Ray; I think it kills healthy human cells too). Then I was passed to an Indian medical personnel, he pushed me until the sitting area (where patients wait for doctor), and stopped. There weren’t many patients; I was lying there for about 10 minutes. I saw the television above me, Prime Minister was giving a speech, and I remembered it was about the budget. I thought on that Fateful Friday, the budget was out. Then the Indian guy jokingly said to his colleague:”Tak de naik gaji kali ni?”. They chatted quite a while, but I didn’t have the mood to hear further what was talked by them.

After that ,I guessed I went the same way back as I went to the X- ray room, then I finally came back into the emergency room. Not exactly where I was situated before, I was left at the side of hallway into the emergency partition, I thought. There again, I still heard the sound of the pulse machine, I guessed it was the same person. The continuous beeping sound was longer than ever, and then I thought of one phrase in Chinese that I used to read it before in a religious book, it goes like this: “心无一物，何处惹尘埃？”, which translate into “If heart doesn’t have a thing, how will it collect dust?”. I really like that verse very much, but didn’t know how I suddenly had it crossed my mind at that time. I held onto that verse, to feel calm, and I became calmer actually, my shivering was reduced quite significantly (though my wet clothes still made me cold). Then it was over for that person, I didn’t know what happened, but I just know it was over because the machine didn’t sound anymore (no heartbeat sound, no continuous beeping neither).

I got lost in the sense of time, but later I was pushed into a more crowded place. There were many patients I think, many doctors too. I was left in the middle of the hallway, I heard a lot of noise, people were walking by me, talking and some were looking on me, but I didn’t have a clear picture of them as I weren’t wearing my spec. Suddenly two doctors (Mr. Theva is one of them, the other I thought was a trainee doctor) came by my sides. Mr. Theva called my name, and asked me questions (Know what, they were almost the same questions as before). The trainee doctor pulled out my X- Rays and then discussed with Mr. Theva. I didn’t catch what their conversations were, but I asked how my foot’s condition was. Mr. Theva said to me that I had a deep cut over my left foot and fractured some parts of it too. I was unbelievable, fractured my foot too? (I guessed it was because I fell left side wise, as my bike swayed to the right. Later I found out that my left foot stand of my bike was deflected upward, my clutch was broken into two at the end. So I just can imagine how my foot was broken as the stand and the clutch were made from solid STEEL, my foot? It is Calcium, but does that proved that Calcium is much stronger than steel?) So it didn’t seem to be that simple as I thought it was, but I was then still held on to that Holy Verse.

After sometimes with the docs, I was pushed into an ordinary hospital bedroom. I was given a slot at the end of the room, the second partition of the room. The nurse gave me the hospital clothes, told me to change it (FINALLY, I could change my clothes). Beside my bed, there was also a Chinese guy; he seemed more serious as his leg and arm were totally hanged up. His face was quite badly injured as I could see wounds on his face. I changed my clothes (it was hard, my right arm was stiff, couldn’t move much as it was DAMN hurt). But I couldn’t change my jeans, it was cut on the left side by Tan and my left foot was still bandaged, couldn’t even stand up. So I didn’t bother changing it as it was warmer after changing the clothes. Then I started to feel the urge to piss very much, may be it was because of rainy day or I was drinking too much water when I had my lunch (Later realized I only drank some cereal drink as my lunch).

Sitting at my bed, I was that DAMN in need to piss, then came a trainee doc (not earlier one). He opened my bandage (I guessed it was his homework or something) then simply closed it up. Again he asked me questions of the day, but in more hard tone. After that, I told him I need to go to the toilet (yeah, I could see one, just 5m from my bed). He said:”just go ahead”. I was thinking:” I am having an injured leg, how am I supposed to go without any aid?”. Not to offend him (because I already felt his unfriendliness), I said I couldn’t move much as the pain was too much for me. Then he said:”Can what, it’s near only”. Then he waited me at my bedside, looking at me with a much to my surprise’s face. He expected me to get down and go to the toilet. So, much to my unwillingness, I tried. I put my right foot on the ground, my left foot just couldn’t touch the floor at all (it was bandaged, I didn’t know if it was still bleeding but I DAMN knew it was hurting like hell). I just couldn’t put my left foot down, so I tried to move with only my right foot. SHIT, how could I move to the toilet in this situation? The toilet’s distance suddenly went from 5m to the unreachable.

I just didn’t expect a doctor, in the worst case scenario, turned out to be a person like him. I moved like, 50cm from my bed and I just couldn’t do it anymore. He didn’t even bother to lend me a hand, he just stood there and observed as I did the biggest effort in my life to walk a 50cm distance. I gave up, saying that I couldn’t move, and just sat back on my bed. Then he said:”Cannot move ah? How come? You only injured your left foot”. He said it with a tone, the tone that made me just wanted to forget whatever the F*** he said. Later, he said if I could use a urinal, I said it was ok. Then he left. I laid back, still in need to piss off course (need to piss, off course); I started to wonder when my parents or someone who know me would come. After like 10 minutes, a nurse came to give me the urinal. I thought it was great; I finally could piss. Then, when I was standing up, DAMN my left foot hurt like HELL, couldn’t really stand for long (I thought I just really couldn’t stand that long until I finished my business). I held the urinal; DAMN again I wasn’t able to piss in this situation (Foot hurting, standing with one leg, still need to hold the urinal, need to hold my pants some more). Then I was really frustrated: “Hell now I can’t even piss”. Then I tried every configuration possible just to please my injured foot while I could have a piss. But it was my DAMN mind, I thought, to cause me unable to piss. Because some patients piss while lying down (due to their injuries), but I just couldn’t piss even I wanted to in that way. After trying for 20 minutes, I finally came to piss, standing up. The pain was like hell in a hell as I was needed to stand with one leg to do a long business (maybe I drank too much water, or maybe is the weather). After that very much relieving piss, I finally could just lie down and have a rest comfortably.

I saw the sky through the window in front of me; it was moderately bright but cloudy, it was still raining. Then my mom came, with my aunty, I was so relieved to see them...

07.09.07, A FATEFUL FRIDAY- Part IV, Along The Way... Time: 3.50pm- 4.05pm

2008-03-22T01:57:00.003+08:00

Even with the straps all over me, a blanket on top of me, I was still shivering, more than ever (20HZ, I think...). Tan (I salute him to be a Mr., unless he has other recognition), the volunteer, began to check my pulse, blood pressure and then explained to me that we were on the way to Seberang Jaya Hospital. I agreed and asked whether my foot injury was serious or not (God, I needed a lot of affirmations at that time), he said it was not that bad (Urm… He didn’t answer my question in that way though). He then asked why I was shivering like hell (in a polite way, of course). Maybe he thought it was more than 20HZ (Haha...). I said I had been through rains, dried and being wet again an hour ago, so I could not control myself (Really, it was like all my motor- neurons going haywire, causing my muscle to relax and contract unpredictably, not even the central nervous system (my brain + my weakened mind power) is able to contain it). He, being a very nice person and probably my lifesaver, cover me with another blanket and held my hands (Urm, wait a minute...). Come to think of it now, it was ok for me because in that kind of situation, anybody would need a helping hand.

He then took my particulars, then asked for my family’s contact number and said he would call them after I reached the hospital. I said “Thanks a lot” and after a while of short conversation, he again questioned me with the earlier inquiries, luckily again my mind was still clear to be able to field them with same answers as I had before.

Being in an ambulance (although not a white one) had been a first experience for me on that Friday. It was noisy in such a way that everybody knows what to do when hearing one, so that people can lend a way to other people that might have a lot of “time” to catch. I was inside it, secured by the stretcher that turned out to be locked by the base of the ambulance. Facing upward, nothing much to see though. There were windows, through them were a dark sky and some flyovers, were all that I could have see along the way.

FINALLY, the siren stopped. I guessed that I was inside the hospital area, as the ambulance slowly came to a halt. Mr. Tan and fellows got off the ambulance, opened the doors, and I could see in front of me, was the door to the emergency room of the Seberang Jaya Hospital (I knew it because I had been there prior to that Fateful Friday). Mr. Tan ensured me again that all would be ok (I really wanted that way but I know it would not be that easy) and his colleagues started to do their jobs. The locks were left undone, and I was being stretched out of the ambulance. It was a rough bump onto the floor too (What else could I ask for, better to be bumped while on a stretcher than being bumped inside a coffin. At least now I can have a say for being bumped while on a stretcher. Inside a coffin, nothing else matters...).

Getting some smells of disinfectant, typically synonymous with hospital, there I went, inside the emergency room...

07.09.07, A FATEFUL FRIDAY- Part III, At The Petrol Station. Time: 3.25pm- 3.50pm

2008-03-21T22:22:00.007+08:00

I straight away picked myself up (didn’t even realize I was standing up by myself), hopping (a little like walking limply, dragging one leg with another or... whatever) to pick up my shoe about 5m away. The road was empty but usually it’s not (Thank God, I was so lucky on my Fateful Day) and it was silent too, I couldn’t hear a noise, it was hard to describe but it was almost like a scene from The Matrix (Revolution, Reloaded or whatever...). After picking up the shoe, I really didn’t know where to go, I saw my bike over the opposite lane in front of the PETRONAS, naturally I was heading that way...

The engine was running though (the clutch was engaged as my bike leaned left on the road), then I saw a couple of Royal Malaysian Air Force (RMAF) personnel. They drove a white Proton Wira, one was asking if I was ok, then the other picked up my bike. Then I thought one of the RMAF guys asked me what happened, my answer was: “That shit van la, coming so fast from side...”. I wasn’t able to finish the whole sentence, didn’t know why. Suddenly I felt that:” Shit, my leg hurts”. They asked me to go into the petrol station to wait for medical personnel to come, asked if I could walk there, I said it was ok, then just dragged myself into the station.

I came to the counter where bikers fill in their tanks. I was given a chair, and there I sat. The counter was wet, and I could see my left foot was oozing out blood (though I didn’t know how bad it had been), painting red on the floor of the counter. My jacket and my jeans (can’t even imagine not wearing a jean) were torn, and lied beneath them were my wounds, I just could see two places on my arm wounded, my palm, and my left knee was bleeding, besides my left foot, where it hurts the most. There were quite a number of guys at there, though the RMAF guys left. Then the question started to came in, it was the same question, and it was the same answer too. Then I remembered a Chinese man at there, he said: “You need to call your family, what is their number? The ambulance is coming...”. Then he handed to me his mobile, I called home, my brother answered the call, I told him I got an accident, told him to tell my mom. My mom wasn’t there, so I couldn’t talk to her. I hung up. Then the Chinese man said again: “Have you called your family?”. Then I said: “I need to call my dad”. But I couldn’t reach him, so I just gave him back the mobile. Then he asked me the question of the day again. Answer was the same again.

After about 5 minutes, I was still sitting there; the floor below me was messy with my blood. I was cold and all wet, therefore I shivered a lot. My heart was pounding hard and I started to feel cold sweat all over my body. Then I started to wonder when the ambulance would come, because as long as I was sitting there, the people didn’t dare to come close and give a help. I understood their situation; they might not know this kind of things, but at least, I expected someone to come and stop my foot from bleeding, the response was negative. I prayed to God:”Please help me through this, whatever it might be...”

Suddenly, I heard siren. I thought like:”It must be ambulance”. The Chinese man also said in chinese:”Nah, lai liao, qia (car) lai liao”. I was expecting so much as I really wanted to just get through it as I already started the beginning (fall from the bike), it must have an end (in hospital bed? I wasn’t sure that time because I never had it before). Then I saw a red vehicle (with emergency light and siren) passed by (I mean just passing by, it DIDN’T come in) the petrol station. Then some guys at the station said: “Bukan kut, Bomba tu” (or whatever they said it was). Soon after, the siren faded. HUH? I was like falling from the highest elevation on Earth, besides being hurt, hopelessness was slowly creeping in to eat me. But what could I do? I had to wait for the ambulance to come (then started to think that the ambulance might come from Seberang Jaya Hospital, think that it might spend some time reaching here). It might take 15 minutes or so for the ambulance to get here if it came from Seberang Jaya. Thinking, thinking and thinking... Hopelessness started to digest me. Then a guy, I thought he was working in the station, came in front of me, and started to put tissues to cover my foot (where it bled). Although he had just simply put it, like one tissue after another on top of the wound, I really thanked him for his helpfulness, he was like a Doom’s Day Saviour.

Soon, it was the familiar siren again, although it sounded faintly, but it was getting louder. Then I saw the red van (the one that earlier passed- by) came into the petrol station. At first, I never gave much thought to it, I didn’t know why; maybe I didn’t have the energy to think anymore. Suddenly, helpers came out of the van (they were there to save me, hurray... ). I didn’t get the excited emotion actually, just for the sake of this writing. Let me introduce the red van, it was a voluntary “Bomba dan Penyelamat” vehicle, coming from Raja Uda branch. I guessed it right initially, it was coming for me. The reason behind the blunder was that they thought the accident (mine) and therefore the victim (me) were happened to be on the roadside after the accident, so they didn’t come into the petrol station, they were looking for me along the roadside instead. For me, as long as they came before I bleed myself to death; it was already my answered prayer (Thank God).

There were 4 people coming out of the van if not mistaken, one was the driver, one was the emergency volunteer (he knew how to first aid) and the others were helpers, I thought... The first aid guy, known to me as Michael Tan, attended to my leg. He cut opened the left side of my jeans, started nursing my left knee. Then started to ask me a lot of questions, one eventually came out as the MOST asked question of the Day (a Fateful one, for sure). He asked:”Do you know what happened?”, “Where you came from before the accident?”, “Where were you heading to?”, “How did it happen?”, “Do you feel headaches?”, “Did you faint?”, “Have you called your family” and some of others. I thought he just wanted to make sure that I didn’t bang my head and I didn’t have a concussion. Then, I saw him washing my wounds and bandaged my foot. It was fast (a professional’s work), but I felt that my foot was a bit numb, not sure what had caused it, guessed it was the cold weather, a cold and shivering me (I had been shivered since sitting down the chair, the shiver was so bad, it was like a 10 HZ frequency- 10 shivers/ second), the pain subdued. The helpers brought down a stretcher, asked if I could get up from the chair onto the stretcher, I got up and lied on it. To their surprise, the stretcher didn’t fit me though, it was of a standard size, I think(not sure which standard are refered, or it’s just me being...), but I got strapped up anyway and being carried into the vehicle.

The vehicle was moving and the siren started again, I thought I was on the way (to put an end to that Fateful Day), but absolutely not sure what for were waiting me at the end of the day...

07.09.07, A FATEFUL FRIDAY- Part II, It Happened... Time: 1.45pm- 3.25pm

2008-03-20T21:00:00.004+08:00

The time was 1.45pm and it was raining... I pulled aside into a Shell petrol station, to get a shelter from the rain (before that, I usually wouldn’t bother, just straight heading to home even when it was raining). There were some motorists too, for the same reason as me, stuck inside the petrol station. As I could remember, there was a Malay couple, a Pakcik and an Indian man, together with me, waiting for the rain to stop. I wasn’t all wet though, sitting there, wondering when the rain would stop. Although waiting helplessly, I had not much thought that day, an unusually me. Connected my earphone, I was listening to some songs from my phone (I usually done this while riding home). Seeing people came in and out of the station, to fill their vehicle. It was half an hour past, the Indian man had left with his raincoat on, it was still raining heavily. Soon after that, the Pakcik left too, the rain was seemed to cease. But as I was preparing to leave, the rain suddenly became heavier again, so seemingly that I was unable to get home any sooner. 15 more minutes had passed, it was THE time to leave (still raining though, but lightly), as the Malay couple went out of the station, I ensued.

It was about 2.30pm, I guessed, as I was about to enter the Jawi Toll Plaza. Typically, I took mostly 1 hour 5 minutes to reach home, so at that time of the day, eventually I would be at home about 3.35pm (which I didn’t, on THAT day). As usual, I was heading north on the PLUS highway, hearing some songs on the phone (forgot what the songs were). Suddenly I was thinking like: “Shit, the rain is coming again, heavier that ever”. Not that I never before going home in this kind of situation, so I didn’t give much thought about it, just continued my journey. After 15 minutes, I was totally wet. I didn’t mind either, as I would always think:”I will take a nice bath anyway after reaching home”. So I continued and nothing much along the way before I exited the PLUS highway (the songs were still playing...).

The time, I estimated was about 3.20pm as I reached the Bagan Ajam traffic lights. It rained also in the Bagan Ajam area, although it had stopped before I arrived there. I was wet, a bit shaky as the air was cold. Suddenly, my songs weren’t playing. Never before my phone was like that, USUALLY the songs would be played until I reached home. As I was about to leave the junction, I felt some kind weird sensation below my nose, some kind of electrical sensation. I thought: “Damn, my phone must have gone functionless after soaking by the rainwater. The electrical sensation must be some kind of short circuit from my phone (I was TOTALLY wet)”. So, I pulled over by a bus stop to check my phone, it was alright, still functioning, nothing was wrong although it was a bit wet. But the program that played the songs stopped, didn’t know why it STOPPED.

Slipped the phone inside my pocket, I continued my way home. The time was 3.25pm, about 10 more minutes I would be home for sure. That Fateful Friday of 07.09.07, come to think of it, had JUST too much of the unusual things that happened. First, it was coincidentally bumped into my friend (I really had only bumped into him on THAT day when I was going home, roughly put it, it was like a 1/50 chance). Second, I went out by the 2nd side entrance. Third, it was taking a road by mistake that leaded me into a housing estate which I thought would have leaded me faster to the PLUS highway. Fourth was the traffic light that never turned GREEN. Fifth, I pulled over to seek a shelter- which I wouldn’t normally do even it was raining cats and dogs. Sixth, it was my phone that went dead playing the songs.

The seventh “unexplained” was about to happen. AGAIN, usually I would stop by the twin petrol stations (slightly located opposite each other along the road I would have passed enroute to my home) of CALTEX and PETRONAS. I mean I would usually stop by CALTEX (3/4 chance) (never before at PETRONAS), to fill the pressure for my tyres (I learned a lesson before, never to fill the tyres and immediately take a long journey as it would increase chances of the tyres bursting). BUT that day, as I approaching CALTEX, I thought it was ok just to go home straight and fill the tyres tomorrow or so. SO I didn’t stop and it happened on that Fateful Friday…

A van (a silver van indeed, and sitting inside the van was the MOST stupid driver the Earth ever had!) was about to come out from the exit of the CALTEX petrol station. I saw it at about 30m to the exit and thought it would eventually come out, so I shifted more to the middle of the road and IN CASE it came out suddenly, it would have sufficient space to drive along the side of the road and I would be able to have some space in the middle and I would not have crash into it. I also thought of in case it came out of a sudden and was driving slowly along the side of the road (normally a not insane driver would do), it was better for me to overtake it by riding on the middle section of the road. WHO KNEW, it really came out and being the Stupidest Driver on Earth, the BASTARD (indeed a Stupid BASTARD) didn’t seem to like it very much driving slowly along the side of the road, IT just shifted ITS van so fast onto the middle of the road! What the hell!

There I was, on that DAMN Fateful Friday, on the middle of the road. In front of me, about 1 m was the rear portion of the van, I was at about 80 km/h (as I thought to overtake the BASTARD) and I hit hard on the rear brake (Drum brake), I knew it couldn’t stop much in a DAMN situation like that, I hit hard too on the front wheel brake, a Disc brake. The road was wet, and there I was, lost control of the handlebar as my front wheel was locked up and skidded, my bike flung about 10 m to the opposite side of the road in front of me as I was sliding on the MIDDLE of the road!

Recently I read an article about scientists that were trying to determine whether the length of time for a person in any case of emergency, would seem to be longer than the reality passing time. I forgot how they actually did the experiment but the conclusion from them were the reality passing time was the same, be it in an emergency or not but the person in the state of emergency felt that the time of emergency was longer than the time that they thought they had endured in the absence of the emergency situation. I think the person who endured the longer period in the experiment was right to say that the time period would seem longer in an emergency.

AS I was sliding on the middle of the road (considered lucky to slide instead of just hit the ground and stopped. The rainy day was a perfect day for sliding too and if given a sunny day, sliding would not be that much of a simple situation), with my legs at behind and head forefront (helmet still attached), the period was like a 10 seconds of length, in my thought. Roughly estimated from the distant I had slide, it should only take mostly 3 seconds in reality for me to come to a stop. But I had endured it about 3 times the reality time in my mind! The world was upside down during the 10 seconds inside my mind (3 seconds in reality) as I could see the mosque beside the road, the sky, then the surface of the road and then the petrol station, all blended up in a messy combination. Although the period was quite of a length (10 seconds), I just couldn’t think of anything, it was like... BLANK!

FINALLY, I came to a stop...

07.09.07, A FATEFUL FRIDAY- Part I, Not My Usual Self... Time: 8.05 am- 1.45pm

2008-03-20T02:14:00.002+08:00

It was a day that began with me waking up at 8.05 am, a typical time to wake up whenever I have a class at 9 am. The day actually had a test for me at 9 am, a 2nd test for the course of Refrigeration and Air Conditioning. Everything was like usual; I had my breakfast and then off to the school for the test. After finishing the test and had some classes that followed the timetable, I took my lunch and found myself ready to ride home. The time was around 1.30pm.

USUALLY I wouldn’t have go home at the afternoon, maybe due to the hot sun but I did quite often went home by bike on weekends, USUALLY at a later noon, around 4 or 5 pm. BUT that day somehow, I decided to go home at 1.30pm. The sky was getting dark actually, and as I was about to leave, I coincidentally bumped into one of my friends who was staying opposite me. I didn’t used to see him when I was about to go home on weekends unless I was going to hitch a ride from him. BUT I saw him that day, he said to me it was better for me to call home to check whether the town area was already raining and told me to postpone my ride home if it was raining (or maybe later could hitch a ride from him as he actually went home on that day). SOMEHOW I didn’t (BUT I thought to do so…), I said to him that probably wouldn’t be raining soon although the sky was dark. As I was about to leave after saying those words, an uneasy feeling struck me but I didn’t care anyway, proceeded to take my bike.

AS I always would have used the main entrance to exit my campus, SOMEHOW that day I used the 2nd side entrance. The 2nd side entrance was constructed not long ago (about 1 months or so prior to that Fateful Friday, as I could remember), to facilitate people coming into the campus from the other side of the area. It is also a much shorter distance to get out of my campus. I was there, waiting for the lights to go green. I could have turn left, the usual way to follow if I were to head onto the PLUS highway. OR I could have gone straight, which I never ever done it before (before 07.09.07). As I wait for the lights, I was thinking that going straight might probably leaded me out faster that turning left. The lights went green, and I went STRAIGHT, until a point that I thought, “Shit…, there is no way out here(or maybe I didn’t know how to get out of there), it is a housing estate that only has the road that I took to come in to go out…”. So, I made a turn out of the housing estate and found myself waiting again for the lights. Opposite me was my campus, the sky was getting darker, seemed to be raining anytime. I thought of going back into campus and just forget about getting home that weekend. The light went green BUT I turned RIGHT (which was WRONG), on the way to the PLUS highway.

After a long straight road, I came to a traffic light. Turning left would have lead me to the main entrance of my campus, turning right would be the right way as I was heading to the PLUS highway. There came the TRICK (I don’t know what to call it, makes me shivered every time thinking of it). I was waiting for the green light. After I thought the green light was supposed to light on my side, it didn’t. Some cars moved from the adjacent lane. Then I waited (just me on my lane). The second time the green light was supposed to be on my side, it didn’t light up again. That time, not even one vehicle was at the traffic light, small droplets of rain seemed to be falling. The third time around, though, was still not my turn. BUT I took a RIGHT (turned out later to be WRONG) turn, as there was not even one vehicle along the long straight road. I wondered if the green light was on or not after I left the junction, but as long as I had waited at there, I was only seeing RED. (Recently heard a theory from my Civil Engineering friend, saying that at the junction, underneath the white stripe where we used to stop while waiting, there lays a magnet to control the traffic light. But as we went along discussing it, we still could not conclude that some roads in PG (especially the road in front of the main entrance of my campus) are having this kind of system. Some KL roads may be having it. The magnet, if it cannot detect there is a vehicle above it, will control the traffic light to allow other lanes’ vehicles to flow). Was the magnet unable to detect my bike? I was over the line? Not sure about that, not even sure if the system existing underneath.

It's nearly coming to an end...

2008-03-19T01:23:00.002+08:00

Here I am, standing in between studying life and working life. Sometimes it makes me to have a heavy heart to leave studying life, meaning there may be an end to it. But I think now my mind has already been saturated with all the theories, saturated until a point that I cannot even think with it. Theories some are from the high school days and some from current study but not even one from my primary school(Wondered have I been studying in the primary school, hehe…) but I think I had continued my primary school education…

Thinking way back to my high school days, studying was fun. I meant exploring the theories, the facts that were available at that time. Although I disliked the system that ran the high school, especially hated all the homework and the rules, simply just because I am lazy (or not?). I liked to know all the theories and facts just for my personal exploration, may be my mind needed some foods. But given me homework to do; the teachers would have expected mostly that they would not get the work done from me. Exams were fun as I could measure how my capabilities were at exploring the knowledge and just get a ranking as high as possible so that I would be able to have some “pride”.

Attendance in the high school was like a dark secret for me, I remembered every time the teacher would say to my parents who took my report card: “The results are ok, he got an A (B, C…) on which and which subject… Then, wow, your son even got a record for being the lowest attendee in the class… His attendance is a 90/200, or something like that”. Being a good parent of mine, my parents were speechless as the teacher would continue his/her advice. Come to think of it now, I feel a bit ashamed. I admit that my attendance was bad; I think it all started in Form 2, then went worst in Form 3, equally worse in Form 4 and 5, then just simply “nasty” in Pre- U class. Actually it had started in Primary 4, that time I was like obsessing with video games, then would always having a stomach “aches” at 7am, the time when I was supposedly going to school.

NOW I just want to say a sincere Thank You to my high school teachers(in case they found this writing, but I really want them to see this!) that were really wanted to help me, they always said that they saw me having the potentials to study, just that I had to change my attitude. Although many of them threatened to kick me out of high school for being the “Student of the Year- Absentee” for like, 3 years in a row, they never did it (Yeah!). If not, at least now I will not be able to continue studying until today… Thank you Mr. Teh (chemistry teacher), Mr. Tan (Chinese language teacher) and many more who I can’t remember their names (my saturated mind).

Coming back to a more up to date situation, I just don’t know how to describe the education at tertiary level in this country. I don’t know whether other tertiary education institutions here are using the same ways to teach its students or not. It's just seems like not being the way that I wanted and surprisingly not even what I have expected. Practically wise, I am that "noob", simply to say with a word. But I continued…

After 4 years, after so many courses, after so many exams, after so many results, I have gained only recognition for spending 4 years at a place that offers so many courses, conducting so many exams and producing so many results. Sometimes it really does not make any sense, fighting hard to get into a place where you can relax? But anyway, I continued…

But life is not permitting us to have a choice, not even in a world where there lie many opportunities. I don’t know what I would become after this, but all I can say for now is that I want to try my best, just not to be like what I used to be before, when I have not fully done what I could have done.

Hopefully too, some times in the future, I will be able to be back in the wonderful life of studying, again will be able to continue what I will be letting off in the near future.

Just for fun!!!

2008-03-11T20:20:00.002+08:00

Blogging, often heard of it nowadays but I never really gave much thoughts about creating one.

BUT now I am, blogging actually. The feeling is not really hard to describe, it is like writing an essay (I used to love doing it during my high school years). The feelings were great as I would have someone (teachers, of course) to read it and then gave some comments. Although I disliked it as homework, writing an essay was a really nice thing to do if someone was going to read it. But at tertiary level, there is not much opportunity to write and get read. Over the past 4 years, not more than 5 essays were written (can you believe that!!! But it did happen to me!!!).

Forget about writing essays. Last night, I have thought of creating a blog, thinking it is better to write on my own spot that to comment on other people. But still I will comment if anything just ignites my comment thirst. I named this spot "Observing Time..." and hopefully it will observe my time.

I just want to round up my first post now and hopefully readers will write, comment or just do anything on this blog. Blogging is fun for me, at least for now. It was even funnier (which means MORE fun) when democracy was at its height last Saturday. I hope he will be able to express his thoughts (hopefully not only in his future blogs but in a place where you actually make a difference...) and turn those into actions and make PG a better place to live.