It’s raining now, just like it used to be on that Fateful Friday. I guess this is the last part of it as it left about 3 hours to the end of the Friday. Despite only 3 hours left on the day, I felt it was the longest night ever in my life.
Alone, I was lying on my bed. My left foot was burning like hell; I was in a situation that is really contrasting. One moment I was trying to relax, the other moment the pain was just really trying to kill me. I thought it would be good to call my friend to tell him that I got an accident. I called Yong, my course mate. May be I was a person that has many things to lose, even in a moment like that; I was still thinking of my academic. Probably because I was thinking too ahead, because I had already had my chance of surviving, then thinking that I still had to finish my degree and I didn’t want it to be out of schedule (for my time to graduate) and probably out of control (cant think of whether I would have the interest to continue if it was delayed) in my life. Huh? I was thinking too much, even with the pain, my weak mind was still able to be out of my control and wandering around thinking about would be(s) and will be(s). Came back to Yong, I told him I was not able to attend to class for quite a “some” time that I didn’t even know how much the “some” would be, a couple of weeks? 1 month? If it took more than that, I would be extending my course or else I would be getting a poor result (I still had the energy to do estimation, although some parts of my brain were offline- ing). Hope he would be able to update me (which he did) so that I could go for test, if any and could see how my final year project would become. After that, I messaged Ooi (one of my best friends) and he called back, we chatted for half an hour and I was really came close to be knocked out by unconsciousness.
After hanging up Ooi’s, I thought it was all I could do in a situation like that. So I could just lie down and feel the pain. Seeing people, nurses came or gone, I slowly, again lost in the sense of time. I wasn’t able to fall asleep, the pictures of me fallen on the road started to seep into my mind. I didn’t want to think about it, but it just came in. Then after thinking pessimistically, I felt lucky to be alive (optimistically). This contrasting effect came up once again, may be to compensate for the imbalance state of my mind. I closed my eyes, but I couldn’t fall asleep. Actually my mind was in the twilight zone, shifting in and out of consciousness (Huh? I guessed I didn’t bang my head). I felt thirsty sometimes, found it hard to drink water (because of my bruised elbow). I felt hungry also, could just eat some bread brought over by my mom. The night was cold (actually not quite later which caused me insomnia). The hospital room only had a ceiling fan, it had an unusually long support, may be due to the higher than average ceiling. The fan was spinning slowly, but it was enough to give some ventilation.
It was not as comfortable as I was feeling, though thinking of transferring to private hospital as I was covered by insurance. My dad had done that before, being admitted to Government hospital (for accident too), then after first examination, he requested transfer to private hospital. But then I thought of, it would take quite an effort to move to a new place (registering new place, etc), and in Butterworth there was no private hospital that I wanted to be in (actually got one, but I had been admitted in it, the bill was enormous until to a point that I came to think that the hospital is a black hospital that cuts throat). Besides, although being covered by insurance (which only 2 months old), I did some calculations and if I had been admitted in a private hospital, I could as well ended up paying the bill instead (if the bill was enormous, which I guessed it would 90% sure that it would be that HUGE) as the insurance policy there has stated a minimum RM 300 (if less than the 10% of the bill) or 10% or a maximum RM 1000 (if more than the 10% of the bill) for admission into hospital. If the bill was RM 2000 (I stayed at the mentioned private hospital before for 1 day, 1 night, the f***ing bill was RM 2000, many people in this town area know that the hospital is famous for the skill- not the skill of the Docs, but the skill of cutting throat, slitting you in a flash moment that you don’t even know what had hit you), I had to pay RM 300 (minimum RM 300). Unless I stayed for many days, in order to claim the insurance RM 200/day (but I realized later the claiming process of the insurance is a hell of a f***ing process too) to cover up the unusual medical bill, so that I would not be paying my own money (I am poor, sigh) to stay at the private hospital. After much of the thoughts, I didn’t make the request (which I regretted later).
The clock was ticking, it was close to midnight. It would be the end of the day, the Fateful Friday that I had. Immersed in a sea of pain, I witnessed the passing into midnight. I couldn’t fall asleep yet, so I was listening to some songs on my phone. I thought I lost my earphone (I didn’t know that the helpers put my earphone inside my bag after moving me up inside the ambulance), so I just listened to the songs using speaker but in a very low volume. Sometimes I do believe that music will heal (remembering a song from the 90s- Let the Music Heals Your Soul) but at that time, I didn’t really feel its effect. So I stopped, after a couple of songs. I was thinking, it was already passed midnight and I would be sleeping real soon, so I just try to relax and hopefully would fall into slumber so that my pain would not be sensed by my consciousness.
Reading a book on psychology a couple of weeks ago, it stated that our mind is divided into conscious and unconscious states. Soon after we were born, the unconscious mind took its place. As we became older and wiser, the unconsciousness decreases while the consciousness increases. It’s in the religion teaching of the Buddha that every follower of Him will try to attain highest consciousness possible. It’s the consciousness that makes us who we are, why we are here and what we want to be in our life. The unconsciousness inside us is the ego selves that are deprived of its wants and needs. The ego selves will always try to break out, as they are deprived of what they wanted, therefore will cause us to do many things that we would do in the first place if we were in control of our consciousness. Crimes and all the bad things that people do are from the unconscious minds of them, deprived of what they desired in the first place. They will try to compensate the minds in every way that they could, even it’s depriving other people of their privileges or, most importantly other people’s safety.
It was about 2 something in the morning, I was still awake but drowsy, my foot was getting hotter, really felt like a fire was “barbequing” it. My body is aching too, may be because of the falling and the hospital bed seemed to be one hell of a bed, no matter how I moved (just my body, left leg was “untouchable”), it was just not right. I was thinking: “(Sigh) No again, I can’t sleep and it was killing me”. Then, my neighbor hospital bedroom mate, called a passer- by to close the fan. I was like: “Wtf, the fan was already adjusted to its slowest speed, to accommodate the requirement, at least for each of us. I want the fan to spin as fast as it could but he don’t want it, so the slowest speed seems fine. Now he just switched it off, he just being too selfish? ”. After only a few moments, mosquitoes started to attack me. I really couldn’t believe it; it was like a hell there. I wanted to sleep but couldn’t already causing much of the unwanted headaches, the pain and the fire burning effects were killing me, the fan had stopped, causing more uncomfortable and then the mosquitoes also wanted to take advantage of me.
Until a point that I couldn’t take it, I just switched the fan on (Yeah, the switch just happened to be on the wall beside me), of course the slowest speed. It really made much difference even the slightest amount of air circulation would ward off the mosquitoes, giving me some air, comforted me some and reducing the headaches. After half an hour, he called the passer- by (a guy who always went to the toilet, happened to be passing by for like 1 x 10E6 times) to switch off the fan again. Oh, my mind was going berserk, but I could do nothing, so I just let him had his “stationary” fan, while I was digesting all the uncomfortable (I regretted for not requesting to transfer to private hospital). The time was already 3 something, in a blurry image, suddenly I saw Mr. Theva. I said to him the pain was excruciating, especially the burning sensation. He said he would prescribe me some painkiller. I was like: “Thank you, that’s all I ever need now”. So I waited for the “killer” to arrive, hopefully it would kill off the pain, or just being any typical medication that would cause me to fall asleep even if it didn’t kill the pain. BUT can you believe it? The “killer” arrived after half an hour (Sigh...) and it didn’t kill the pain. I guessed it was typical in a Government hospital, but don’t you all think time= life in hospital? If it was designed to accommodate quite a number of patients, why there was a slack time between ordering and receiving? Is it because of financial problem? But if private hospital can do it, why can’t a Government hospital do it too? Many Qs there when it comes to this, some time in the matter of life and death. What was left to be done? I guessed it was nil, the pain was still there, couldn’t sleep, the fan was not spinning and got sucked by blood thirsty pre- labor she- mosquitoes.
I slept at 5 something that day and woke up at 7 something by the nurses over there. Taking my body temperature, blood pressure and hooked me on a drip. It was antibiotic and at first it was uncomfortable, thought I was allergic to it or something, then later it was alright, it drained fast too. At the same time, my neighbor was also hooked on a drip, but his package contained blood, seemed he needed it much. May be I could have some of it after the blood- sucking event earlier. So I guessed it was awake time again, really tired. I slept some 1 hour, better than none. At about 9 am, a doc came by and examined my X- ray and my foot. She said I could check out if I want in the afternoon. I was relieved, or else I would request a transfer to private hospital. After that, a group of trainees leaded by a female doc stopped by my bed. She opened up my bandage, showed the X- ray to her students, and asked what was wrong; I guessed my foot was the physical model that they were discussing. I wondered if she knew I was still in pain because it handled my “injured foot” like it was a “foot”. Many doctors I used to meet were like that, don’t know whether they feel nothing and it was alright to handle it that way, but the patient would totally feel otherwise.
After taking 1 hour sleep, I just wanted to be home, didn’t care much already. Physically, mentally tired, I checked out at noon, heading home to find a comfortable rest...
