Sleepless night, after- ALL...

I can’t sleep now; it is 10 minutes past 2 am. I’d just spent the night playing DOTA, sometimes think of it, doesn’t seem to have any meaning playing it, but I played anyway, wonder when I’ll stop playing it (may be addicted to it somehow). I just had my presentation done yesterday, yeah, after all, just finished my Degree (hopefully praying to the ABOVE so that I won’t fail any of the subjects I took, actually there was only two subjects together with my final year project). The presentation was my best in all that I ever presented, I think... I didn’t even feel nervous, unlike my past behavior, when the nervousness always seemed to creep up and eat me every time I was talking in front of a crowd or presenting on a stage. I hope to maintain the courage to speak in front of the crowd that I have just obtained, hard to believe I can be that fluent speaking and acquired some sort of self- satisfaction during my presentation. It almost took 4 years, to present like the way that I found myself liking it, it’s a bit late, but it’s mostly welcomed.

Now listening to one of Jay Chou’s song, “End of The World”:

想笑　来伪装掉下的眼泪　
点点头　承认自己会怕黑
我只求　能借一点的时间来陪　
你却连同情都不给

想哭　来试探自己麻痹了没
全世界　好像只有我疲惫
无所谓　反正难过就敷衍走一回　
但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞

天灰灰　会不会　让我忘了你是谁
夜越黑　梦违背　难追难回味
我的世界将被摧毁　也许事与愿违
累不累　睡不睡　单影无人相依偎
夜越黑　梦违背　有谁肯安慰
我的世界将被摧毁　
也许颓废也是另一种美

I am somehow feeling like:”全世界　好像只有我疲惫”. But I just can’t do this verse: “想哭　来试探自己麻痹了没”. Maybe I am already become too numb to cry. It’s not end of the world, it’s just a transition period of my life. But I don’t really like this kind of transition period, it somehow giving an impression that nothing will ever last, adding to the fact that everything will not last, not even the universe and anything within it. Some say that the universe is expanding into nothing, from nothing the universe became something. 反反复复, 怎会不累呢？

I think of continue to write the Fateful Friday as I have not completed it yet. The reason behind it is that after the Fateful Friday, I started to feel things by the heart. It is not like I didn’t use to feel with the heart, it’s just something that took it away, may be it was my immature behavior. People used to be like this, I am nevertheless one of them, only to realize something after it has gone missing. Now I can’t say that I am doing what I want to do perfectly, but at least I am trying; trying to become someone that I am not, someone who is better.

I am already 24 years old this year, and if I am lucky, may be I will still have quite a few of other 24 years to live. At this point of life, I have nothing, really nothing much, but I am grateful, in nothing I had learned many things. I saw a movie the other day, at the end, it says:”Run as long and as far as you like in your life, nobody can stop you”. It’s true in the sense of no body but only ourselves can stop us from running; it’s also true in the sense that as long as I am running, I will go further away from my life, a life that would become if I didn’t run.

I am starting to yawn, so I guess I will call it a day soon. I plan to wake up early this morning, wash my bike and then see if I could just write something (really feel like writing something). Since now I am free, doing something I like, later may be will not have the chance. Cherish it, so that I will not lose it even though it was meant to be lost.

我一个人在角落没有你陪伴的我
连寂寞都笑我太堕落
广场旁边的烟囱烟雾弥漫你面容
我悄悄背颂你的温柔喝着加温后的啤酒
这样唯美的镜头是否只存在故事之中
在你身后时间把画面带走
时间把镜头带走不假思索回忆不放手
好想在跟你牵着手牵着曾有过的温柔
哭过以后眼泪还是不停的的流
遇见彩虹
雨下过之后街角出现彩虹
泪流乾之后有彩虹

by Jay, 瓦解.

Good night...